2019-12-09 03:48:24 (UTC)


this is a forever pattern.
one that keeps on going and going and going,
i'm sick of being sick. i'm tired of being tired. and where did I hear those words before?
inhale. hold on. exhale - let go.
today, I learned the difference between being sad, and being depressed. apparently sadness allows us to have a deeper understanding of human connection and intimacy, and it's a bit more constructive than depression.
so I realized that today I was depressed. and I hadn't even realized it. my own self defeating attitude was part of me this entire time.
and the most successful, happy people are the most productive. maybe because they aren't bothered by what other people have to say about them.
maybe that's the key. maybe that's power. and I always thought networking was the primary ingredient.
it's know what you know, it's who you know apparently. but maybe it can be a little bit of both.
like for example, i'm going to have my first charge shift on December 17th. and it terrifies the shit out of me.
but maybe I'm defeating myself. because the thoughts sound a lot like depression. and I have to be careful not to confuse it with caution. only two people feel confident about making me charge. but I remember jessi, one of the travel nurses, being so explicitly against me learning to be charge a month into training. but I don't even want to stay. it's challenging and the job is difficult. at least now haesu is off of orientation. and Nicole has a few more weeks. but people are leaving at the same rate they're entering.

I fulfilled a very stupid fantasy. not stupid in the sense that it was dumb, but stupid in the sense that what I did was very stupid. and I've had multiple fantasies about hooking up with my mentor years ago, but those are just the gay boy twink thoughts every high schooler gets when they see someone who's sexy and successful. which is exactly what happened. and things got very weird, but good and bad weird. good because I felt like I connected with someone besides hassan. bad because there are red flags everywhere. just like with hassan. how hilarious.
I was afraid of tapping into my anger and resentment today, but I finally did. I spilled to rob that I felt absolutely angry that hassan seemed to get over it much quicker than I did. and yet if I wanted to stay in saudi arabia, he would no doubt use the opportunity to hook up with me and pretend like nothing happened. except that's not how love to me works. and despite the fact that I love him still, I think the absolutely best decision I can make at this point in time is to finally let him go. if he cared he would go out of his way to say something other than that you're attractive. bitch, you know that shit. and guess what? you're also 22, with a bachelor's of science in nursing, charge nurse of the neuroscience department, and providing care to patients at a world-renowned comprehensive stroke center. it's time to update that LinkedIn biotch. and get some more headshots while you're at it.

if I had a quarter for every time I rolled my neck. even after rob's back massage, I still felt pretty tense. I might need more massages tbh. and i'm getting closer to success. I just have to try a little harder. and each day I can feel myself get tangibly closer. either my tolerance is building or the days are slowing down. but I airbnbed the other day and it was wonderful smoking and being by myself. now I just have to put this energy toward making connections. and like I told Christian, I have to find the right balance between exhausting myself talking to people and being bored at home. but i'm too busy making the same fucking mistakes. it's frustrating me to no end how circular I can be with myself. and when I have the strength to bend out of the circle, things will finally look up for me. I know this depression can be helped. I know I can be taking better care of myself. and I know I have more energy than my current output.

actions, not words.
if I can be as firm with myself as I was to chris, maybe I wouldn't be in this spot. though chris is making the attempt to do more. and I am receptive to myself, just not committed to a lot. and commitment is something i'm going to have to start getting familiar with. because i'm not the type of person to follow through often. and apparently i'm an escapist - when I don't want to do something, I try to find ways to avoid it. just like how I keep trying to find ways to avoid breaking my bad habits. I cannot keep being an escapist. I have to challenge myself. I have to rip off the bandaids. I have to feel the pain to grow. rob steeled me with his massage in a way. it was so painful, but just like I now realized, it was necessary for my back to feel relaxed. in order to get rid of some of the strain I feel, I have to make myself more capable. more comfortable.

checkboxes have to start being checked.