DaniMarie

My only outlet
2019-12-09 02:55:19 (UTC)

Unhappy, am I gay?

I just created a facebook dating profile....I am sure it is going to bite me in the ass. I am not happy. TBH I just wanted someone to talk to. Also, TBH....I wanted it to be a female. I have made out with females before during my teen years, I find women attractive. I avoided this because I was terrified it was a sin as well as lacking confidence to be able to please a woman. I am on my 4th stiff drink. I asked my husband to be understanding and let me journal right now but I hear him upstairs in bed making so much noise as if I am the biggest inconvenience. Today I went shopping and didnt tell anyone that I was going anywhere. He got up to go hunting and my daughters are with their father today so I got up a few hours later and got myself ready and I left. We have cameras in the house so I knew it would only be a matter of time before my phone was going off to find out where I was. He doesn't want to come off possessive bc he is a narcissist....so he is careful and I was ready for it, he goes what you doin? I said I'm out and about. He sent a few more messages to try and get me to let go where I was...eventually had to tell him. Then, I stayed gone all day....came home at like 5pm.....and between victorias secret and a nice quality local store I bought myself a whole new wardrobe for like almost $600. I have realized that he wants me to look terrible, he wants my vehicle to die despite him being a kickass mechanic, he wants me to be trapped because he knows this life isnt for me and my good heart trapped me but he knows that i am about to be out of this trap, He knows that I am only about 2 months away from breaking away. Scary for him. Fucking AMAZING for me. It seems like every day that passes I feel even more ready for the single life.

I feel like I wont want anything serious with a man. I dont think I can trust a man every again. They all burn me. Big part of me just wants to be alone but a part of me wants to just be with a woman. I feel like a woman couldnt possibly do me wrong like this. She wouldnt leave me alone physically and emotionally.....hell even sexually quite often. I am a sexual being. I have given up. Every orgasm I have I have given myself. He feels good and his alcoholic ass can go for a long time but he knows I need clitoral stimulation. If I will fuck him with my mouth with or without his request....almost every time its just me wanting him in my mouth bc I want it.....I'll swallow too but I stop before that often because I am so horny and need to get off, I know if i finish him he is done..at that point I am shit out of luck....if he "plays" with me then it will feel less than half assed which will only mentally fuck me up and leave me thinking I am not worthy of my own release. So yeah....maybe a woman would be kinder to me. Maybe if I wanted to talk about my day she would be happy to as well as talk about hers. Maybe she wouldnt make me not want to drink every night to numb the pain.....to make me stay quiet....weird that sober me is more likely to tell him to fuck off but drunk me has this mentality of fuck you, you lost me, someday you will feel this pain but for today I will pretend all is well. Asshole.

I should end this now, gotta be up in llike 6 hours. If there are any typos just remember I am drunk, this bluetooth keyboard requires I aggressively hit every key, and the text is tiny! IDK if I can tweak that....maybe tomorrow I look.

GOODNIGHT




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