Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-12-08 06:04:53 (UTC)

After last night I was feeling ..

After last night I was feeling rejuvenated today. I always forget how to pay attention to me in the ways that make me feel better about myself. It's not the cleaning, it's not the task mastering, it's not always even the sorting out my feelings. It's just allowing myself to do the things I love sometimes that remind me what I'm worth. Last night it was painting in gimP. It was a long night doing that. I can't even believe now I wasn't drunk- but I was high off the ideas sitting in my head.

Tonight, I did drink though. It's an issue on my mind, just because like so many things, it's a vice. I'm really tryna cut out vices in my life just so I can be straight with me on what I want. I'm starting to see a clear line between my actions and my virtues, and I'm starting to see where it can branch of or get clearer. I like those parts, because I like developing myself. Essentially it's the best way my time can be spent.

That said, tonight I feel like I might need to care for me in another way. I still have this residual worn out feeling, although it is displaced alittle by the excitement I have toward life. There is this other worry too, lingering, about how I have this minor crush or just maybe affectionate feelings toward the guy host at work. He's too young for me, he's a minor, (which, I keep forgetting since he really doesn't look like one) but also, I keep just feeling some kindred energy between us. It's unfortuanate, really, because it puts me in a place where I'm not sure what role I'm taking on every time I converse kinda.
but mostly, this is me overthinking things, because the end statement is that it's not going to go anywhere, and I know that, and I can still be friendly because that's what humans do.

I guess what I was getting at there with that whole thing was that I'm afraid of me and my ability to control myself. Just the idea of companionship from anybody is a sort of impetus for me to get all pervy and ready to jump in bed. I wouldn't say I'm permiscous, because there's a lot of things I don't act on, but I obviously think things I don't exactly approve of.

My relationship with sex, as I've said before, is confusing, because I want to be chill about it, but also, I want a relationship, and sex is not a relationship, although it is a component of relationships, and it's also lust, which is sort of a sin, but in lust is admiration, which is sort of a good human emotion.

This all aside, I want to reiterate I know where my line is here, that this boy is too young for me, (6 years?) and this is a situation where even his consent would still contain components of me manipulating, since there's a power dynamic of superior age and life experience at play. I guess that's probably a concerning point in my mind to notice, since I sort of have a positive reaction to the idea of being superior, since it bolsters my own confidence and hides my insecurities through that experience.

I realize this is way more contemplation on this subject I intended to spent. I really would like to have somebody in my life. Companionship would be nice really, but on a sort of noncommittal basis, since I don't want to let nobody down with my own lack of faith in me [or my lack of faith in relationships in general]. The list of things I feel I need to restore about me are endless, and I feel so foreign from a dialogue where communicating those things would be possible or make sense inside my insecurities.

The insecurities got to go. Feeling consistently like my viewpoint is of nominal importance, or just inferior/superior to that of others', it's not okay.
It's a symptom of my ego-brain though. Living from my heart takes boundaries, bravery, and care, and I'm getting back to it slowly. But also taking time to listen to my heart is something I can be doing actively now.
and
ug

I want a hug.




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