I Sense Something Bad (Is Happening)
"Need" by Pinegrove
December 7, 2019 Saturday 3:17 AM
A brief account of my horridness; one aspect being, the repeated vivid urge to drink 60-90 ml of NyQuil, take a couple Advil, and pass out for a few hours. Apparently, 180 ml is bordering on dangerous levels of Acetominophen for your liver, but my goal is not to die, lmao—it is to disappear very temporarily. Another aspect is that I told Marie I never learned to cough loud or blow my nose and she said she had to learn for some reason or another, and I said again I had no one to tell me that, and the back and forth continued, with each of us trying to express a meaningless and stupid innocuous hurt. I'm not irritated with Marie whatsoever. I couldn't understand my own desperation about it....
As I was studying, I felt an independent burning in my stomach. This was interesting. Later, Nadiya kept asking if I was okay and then so did Matt (even though he was also not ok because no one is fucking ok right now) and eventually she said I seemed "on edge" and I really am/was. I knew I was acting funny, but I couldn't really stop. I don't know if I wanted attention or if it just changed the things that came out of my mouth...
This week time has slipped by. Kind of. Every day lasting many more hours than it should have and then in retrospect existing for like—a brief fraction. I have thought most days of giving up. I have slept and not slept and slept. It is hard to care about things. Most nights I think about doing the NyQuil thing, but I haven't done it for the reason that I can't afford to oversleep until Sunday (I overslept today anyway but whatever). Tomorrow I have to be up at 10 AM, hopefully out of the house by 10:30. We're getting ready to film a dance group at 11 AM, and the actual shoot with begin at noon. But I doubt it will go down so smoothly.
I visited Student Support Services this week. I will be doing a "reduced coarse load" next semester. The dean told me I should register with the campus disability services at the beginning of January and I felt a peculiar sense of defeat/relief. I want to lie down forever.
OK I'll go now. I should try and sleep a bit. Or unthink at least.
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