inbetween

inbetween
2019-12-07 05:57:40 (UTC)

*trigger warnings*

!TRIGGER WARNINGS!
- suicidal thoughts and depression

I am including these trigger warnings because I don't know who's on this website, but due to nature of it, I can only assume... This is my place.. Where I share my deepest most naked thoughts, and they are not pretty. I can't control who finds this, and maybe the most responsible thing would be to lock my diary, but that would remove the point of this place for me and take away the only place I have to vent.. So I hope a trigger warning for those who use them, is ok.


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Trying to think of reasons to stay alive other than "I can't kill myself because of my family".

But it's so damn hard. I don't wanna be in this place, I don't know why I can't seem to change how I am and I feel like such a disappointment. I want to ask my father, "how did you decide to keep going, how do you do it dya in and day out?"... I'm pretty sure he and I are the same, it's just that he has decided to live a certain way.. Or maybe I'm mistaken. Maybe he's just how he is at home, and completely different in other areas of his life.

Im alone this weekend. I desperately want to tell someone, to cling onto someone because I can't cling onto myself. But I can't put anyone through that.

What keeps me going now... The promise that I will take my goddaughter to see frozen 2 in the cinema. That I will be able to go on drives by myself when I get home.

Othwr than that.. Nothing honestly. I can't even feel like I'm looking forward to seeing my friends and family because it gjves me too much anxiety and I am too ashamed of how I live my life. Which is not living at all, and only being a burden.

These thoughts and feelings makes me wanna rip out all of my belongings and delete everything and make myself a blank surface.

Death is such a cruel and sinful whisper in the night.. Promising things I can't have. Promising me, it would be better for everyone if I left now and did not drag it out. Because I can't love properly. Promising that I am broken, and will always be broken. Reminding me of all the cruel, harsh realities of the world that somehow seep into my bones and make me feel hopeless and in pain.

I don't watch the news for this reason. It makes me feel disillusioned with the world. If I start thinking too much about all the cruelties and suffering that exists, inflicted by humans... It seems bleak.

I should sleep, but my sleeping pattern is fucked up because I can't wake up in the morning.

I don't deserve to live. I feel stretched too thin or something.. With these thoughts, I think myself selfish and ungrateful and know it to be true. And want to find a way to devote my life to goodness. Because I think it's the only way I can survive. But then I think myself too ugly for such a cause. I can't even help myself, how can I accomplish anything good and selfless?

Anyway, I'll go to sleep now. Maybe tomorrow will be easier. Maybe I can do one good thing tomorrow. And feel a little less sorry for myself.




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