chae

from my heart
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2019-12-06 17:41:37 (UTC)

jealousy

12:41 pm
currently i am in language arts class. im really proud of myself for turning in my missing assignments for spanish bc my grades will finally go up. i have to work for three days in a row and im not looking much forward to it because i want to be at home and play league instead but ig we cant do everything we always want in life. i want to buy airpods because my earbuds suck atm but i am too broke and if i have the money i dont know if that would be worth the spend.

i kind of want to start streaming but that would mean that i would need to get a better computer as well as a better camera, mic , etc. i think once i graduate i will have so much goals and stuff i really want to achieve. so thats why im trying to save up money right now.

im excited for the future because there are so many things to do but most importantly i have my moms support which means the world to me because i could do without any other support but hers.

lately i have been feeling jealous of jinsol and i was feeling some type of hatred (?) for her. i just feel annoyed because she has been acting so different after i introduced her to avaken and roman. for example she always burps when we call and talk so yesterday when she burped she had to text me and freak out about burping and how embarassing it was when she literally does it everytime. it is just the fact that she acts more girly and more flirtatious around my friends and i honestly dont know why im annoyed by that but i do. i also feel jealous and i realize its due to me being insecure. i am insecure and afraid of the possibility that they will forget about me and that jinsol and roman and avaken will stay close. but then i realize that honestly i need to calm down and start loving myself and not depend on a group of people to feel accepted. i realize that its all within me and this hatred for jinsol, is a hatred for me. so i want to stop. i want to start loving and i want to not care about what others are doing but mind my own business and be happy within myself, not within others. i realize this and this is what i try to do but sometimes the insecurities get to me

however i feel more happy these days. i dont really feel depressed lately and i have a lot more motivation or the want in life to do something. im really proud of myself about that. i want to go to the gym more and i want to work more. there are so much things to do in life and so little time. sometimes when i think about life too hard i get sad because i feel like life has no meaning if we are all going to die in the end and my faith in god is still stunted. so i try not to overthink to much and just live in the present and make the most out of everything.

today i go to work after school and then i will go home and probably play games & watch shows with my sister. i also want to start drawing again.. and i want to be pretty. i want to be like those instagram girls and i know it may sound stupid but i really want to reach that level of prettiness. and im going to try my best. im going to take care of myself and my hygiene more as well as the way i dress and the food i eat. this isnt an unhealthy way of thinking, i think because it makes me happy to try and become prettier as long as i dont make myself to believe that im too ugly to be pretty. i just want to be pretty and i feel like anybody can be pretty if they tried. i think everybody is pretty. i think pretty is confidence and pretty is when people take care of themselves. idk what im thinking

i just dont want to be jealous / insecure anymore and i want to love myself and be lke the instagrammers i see online and start streaming league and earn money and draw. even thinking about it makes me happy.


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