Pleasantly Disturbed

Broken Glass Park
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2019-12-05 21:26:00 (UTC)

I ADORE Reminders...

Underneath the numbness, there is a person. There are emotions. Underneath the grief there is joy and passion. But, thank God for the numbness. I still cry when things are upsetting or stressful, in fact, more than ever. But, that is still better than the rageful fits I used to throw. I'm not sure I'm capable of much anger anymore, except maybe at God. Even though, I just thanked him. I'm a bit conflicted. I am often irritated, usually just early in the morning at work. Stupid shit can piss me off, but I ride my anger out quietly until it passes. I'm in fantastic control of my anger these days. But, I'll cry when I need to cry - screw everything. Screw whatever people might think. If they know what has happened to me this year, they will probably understand the slightest bit why I am crying. I will give them that much credit.

I am thankful to God for the numbness that has taken over to soothe me of stress, anxiety and too much pain. But, I am angry at God that I don't seem to be allowed real, lasting happiness. I understand my selfishness in saying I don't deserve any of this. But, I am a decent, kind person and besides whatever I deserve or don't deserve, my husband didn't deserve to die at 47 years of age. That's bullshit. I'd rather that he left me, for whatever reason/s, heartbroken as I may be, but this is an unselfish notion, for say he left me. Okay, so I'd be heartbroken, but he'd still be alive.

I love you, Monkey Man, forever. Thank you for loving me for me. I'm not sure if anyone else in my life, ever really has. Maybe Nana. She helped us. She liked you. I hope you are both having fun hanging out together in heaven. I'll see you both again some day. Some day soon for both of you (probably), but not so much for me. I will make the best of my life, somehow. I know you would want me to be happy. I'm doing the best I can, but it's insanely difficult right now and every little thing that goes wrong, that wouldn't even matter if you were here, hits me so much harder now.

I have the strength I need from you, Monkey Man. I'm struggling, but I am, indeed, surviving. Somehow, I manage to not even drink and my worst addiction is Vsauce videos (lol.) Oh God... Michael Stevens is like my husband in ways... I could see him (my husband) popping into a camera frame out of nowhere, almost like a jumpscare, being a total goofball and then blowing my mind by saying something off-the-wall, but incredibly intelligent, at the same time... no wonder I love Vsauce. And indeed, I'm finding all the time, the people I like best, remind me of my husband in ways... and that's several people actually... none of whom I know. Except for that one real-life crush. Lol.

Oh man... if my husband were here, I'd show him an Isaac Butterfield video and be like, "Did you have a child with an Australian woman about 26 years ago?" Lol. I've joked that Jacksepticeye is like his secret Irish son. Lol. These are, at times, brash, always blunt, loud, full-of-life, crazy, fun, kindhearted people. In fact, oddly enough, my husband was most reminded of himself by Markiplier. He told me that. When he saw a little bit of a Markiplier video one time, he asked me why I watched people just like him. So he is like a goofy gamer! I know Isaac Butterfield and Vsauce are not gamers... though, actually, old Vsauce videos are oftentimes about videogames!

Oh man... Vsauce was soo cute when he was 24, 25, 26. He still is, but if he gained back weight and became a little chubby again, along with trimming his beard, he'd be so gosh-darned cute!

My husband was naturally thin, but if he was ever able to become chubby, he would have been soo adorable because he already had these big, round chipmunk cheeks. Lol.

Some women have said that my husband resembled David Duchovny, which was true. And very funny because I had a huge crush on the character David Duchovny played on "The X-Files," Fox Mulder.

Actually, though to be much more accurate, Jim Kerr, the lead singer of Simple Minds, looked a hell of a lot like my husband back in the 80's and 90's. I swear that's not why Simple Minds is my favorite band. Lol. And it's also not because of The Breakfast Club Song. ::Eyeroll::

Anyways, not sure where I'm going with all this. I love my husband and therefore, ADORE anyone that reminds me of him in any way. Even the bad qualities... which, is scary because what if I fall for someone just like him, but who is way worse in the negative traits?

I'm not going to worry, though. Worrying is pointless. I've at least, learned that much. Not to brag, but I may be one of the wisest, yet also saddest and loneliest people you will never probably meet (to whoever might be reading this madness!).


And as always, thanks for reading.


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