Scream Above the Sounds
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2019-12-04 23:12:58 (UTC)

There Is A Light That Never Goes Out

I am alive, honest.

I guess I've just been too busy, depressed and tired to really put my thoughts out. There is a lot to cover but I guess the thought of even typing it is enough to want to send me to sleep. I don't know where to begin. Things got shit, then shitter, then better. Work and studying has honestly knocked the Sonic rings out of me. Every week is so exhausting, I'm desperate for the Christmas holidays, I just need some respite. Work has been okay, I've made some friends, kinda. They added me on social media anyway, so there's that...I struggle to make friends, my dark humour doesn't go down well half of the time. It's all bearable though, my managers are top class and have good banter and I usually just get on with everything. This new job has made me appreciate my old job so much more though, no customers, privacy, that kinda stuff. I'm so glad to have money again though.

I had a bit of a breakdown, about 2 or 3 weeks ago. I wanted to write but I was so irate and just ready to give up. I almost quit college. I had a really bad grade in my first English assignment. It wasn't 'bad', but certainly wasn't good enough by university standards or whatever. You get graded pass, merit, distinction and I only got 3 passes. I was devastated. I just felt really useless and told my lecturer that I wanted to quit the course. It was really embarrassing behaviour and I regret it. I just felt useless. It was my own fault, my heart wasn't really in it and it was extremely half arsed. I deserved that grade. So I missed the next week of college, I sank into a vintage edd-like depression and hardly got out of bed. It was rough. That, coupled with work was really battering me emotionally and I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. Things did get better though, I got my geography assignment back and I received 2 distinctions and a merit, so I was really happy with that. Things then continued to progress well and I received 3 distinctions for my latest English assignment, received yesterday. I was super pleased with that.

I just don't want everything to be for nothing, you know? I'm a really lonely person. I say I enjoy my own company, and I do, but sometimes everything just gets too much. I want my parents to be proud of me and I want to be able to do good in life. I'm just extremely paranoid and worried that I'll never ever be happy, no matter what I do in life. It scares the shit out of me. I'm trying not to think about it. So yeah, distinctions are in abundance at the minute and I've been looking at various universities: Newcastle, Cardiff, Swansea, Bristol etc. The thought of living on my own or with strangers makes me really anxious, but also I think it's a fear I have to face. I need to grow up.

I feel like I should have a lot more to say but I think I'm just too tired and honestly too boring. I've not even played any video games lately because I just feel too knackered to do so. I get in, I eat, I watch a few episodes of Gotham and I fall asleep. It's extremely repetitive, but it's life right now. I get paid next week so I can buy my parents some Christmas presents at least. I don't really buy presents for anybody. I bought a few things for my friend who lives in Vegas. I mean, I say friend. I don't even know what we are at this point. I would say friend but it feels like 'more than', at least to me anyway. I don't really know anymore. Either way, I've bought her two presents and I'm gonna get them sent tomorrow. She has sent me stuff too and I accidentally opened one yesterday. 2 more parcels have come since and I dare not open them until Christmas day. I haven't got a clue what they could be.

I want to try and end this entry in a positive or hopeful fashion. I just feel like I show up to this website now and ramble and there isn't really any structure or meaning anymore. Not like when I first started. I almost feel like that quest to find closure with my relationship and my mistakes has finished and I have atoned for what I've done. This website was an incredible crutch for me and I do wish to keep writing here, I guess it's just so difficult when you're adulting and have so much to do now. It's not like before. Things are moving too fast. It's scary. I'm in a better position now than I was last year. I'm in higher education, I'm earning money. I'm still sad, hopeless, alone and single, and I think those are things that won't ever really change. All I know is I have to keep moving and working and hope that things work out for the best. I'm trying.


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