Songbird System

Raven
2019-12-02 14:49:55 (UTC)

Overwhelming Guilt

I've got a lot of things on my mind when it's raining at...oh look it's now three.

Yeah, I've been experiencing a lot of guilt. So much guilt. And I know that it's not my fault and whatnot but I just can't stop thinking about it. Because I was a stupid fucking idiot. I let Trigon play me like a fiddle! GODDAMMIT. It's MY FAULT. It's always been my goddamn fault everything goes to shit. I've been thinking that things would be better if I was never born. But then I stop, knowing full well what that thought process leads to. Even though I still feel like that's true. But not. It's complicated. I know full well that it's not my fault but my mind won't fucking shut up. And I've done so many bad things in my life that I just don't know what to fucking do anymore. I feel like I'm a terrible person. I'm a terrible, worthless person. So worthless. Can't do a single thing right. SO. FUCKING. WORTHLESS.

Because I left my mom to go with Trigon. I made her suffer alone. I left her to deal with her cancer alone and walked right into the trap of the abuser. I know what he was doing. I know it's all his fault. But I could've just said no! Then none of this could be happening. But I know I couldn't have survived another year in that environment. I was breaking. If I stayed, I would've killed myself or try eventually. Because you guys know how miserable I was back then if you read this diary. And then I wasn't as miserable. But still fucking miserable. And then that all changed when the JJ attacked. I just...my mother almost died multiple times and I wasn't there to help her. Because I was fucking stupid. Everything I do is a fucking mistake. I make the world worse just by being in it. It would be better with me gone. I'm a waste of space. Fucking waste of space. I'm so fucking worthless and lazy and useless. Nothing I ever do is right. I make so many other people miserable just by existing. I'm just so fucking worthless. Worthless.

Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. A worthless fucking lying whore. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Fucking whore. Whore. Whore. Whore. Whore. Whore. Whore. Whore. Whore. Whore. Whore. Whore. Whore. Whore. Whore. Worthless whore. Worthless whore. Worthless whore. Worthless retarded whore that doesn't deserve to fucking breath. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. JUST FUCKING WORTHLESS! A WORTHLESS PACK OF SHIT! A WORTHLESS BITCH WHOSE ONLY GOOD AT SUCKING DICK. FUCKING WORTHLESS! WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS!

There's nothing good about me. I'm not strong, I'm weak. I fucking run away from all of my problems. Because I'm too fucking weak to face them head on. What a worthless waste of space. So fucking worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. WORTHLESS.

I should've known. I'm an idiot for not seeing the signs. It's so fucking obvious that my sister was planning on killing herself. Everybody should've seen it too. It's always about Morgan. She gets all the help while I got to fend for myself. Because I'm viewed as the one who has it all together. The perfect child everybody is obsessed with. And that image is why a lot of people have tried to rape me. And you know at least one succeeded. Because I was too goddamn dumb to not go underneath that tree with her. It was against the rules. Yet I did anyway. Because I wanted to play horsie. And then I tried to tell others and they believed...they believed her. Nobody ever believes me. Because I'm so useless. Because anybody else would've known not to. I'm such a goddamn idiot. Everything is my fault. Fucking everything. The only thing I'm good at...actually, I'm not good at anything. I don't have a purpose. I'm just useless. And worthless. So fucking worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. Worthless. WORTHLESS.

WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS WORTHLESS FUCKING WORTHLESS

God, I'm so fucking stupid.




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