Nov 29 2019 Friday
Generally, I prefer to think about those people in my life, who are important to me, whom I love, and who have left pleasant memories about themselves; or not so pleasant, if people betrayed me. And I don’t mean betrayal in love only; the same thing could happen in business or just in different life situations. How bad actually people could be! Two-faced, dishonest, mean and manipulative… Ok, whatever the bad people could be. But when I start to think deeply I realized that I also left and forgot many people who maybe like me or need me, who have some hopes with me or to whom I maybe even gave some promises, not a blood oath of course. People who did a lot for my development and career, but I just grasp everything and then… disappeared. People with whom I could not keep in touch because I was busy, I became too far, I was depressed, I don't have time or I just lost interest and because everything went wrong… Well, life is harsh and I am too weak.
People come and go out of my life as I do theirs. But I am not talking about everyone. There are situations where I may behave less childish and more responsible. But till now I thought that what I did it was Ok. And every time it was just Ok. Well, actually I think of myself as a reliable, responsible person. And due to this self-esteem, I usually keep thinking that like a true hero I could fight any problems and reach a goal easily. But it turned out I failed to keep my promises in many situations.
Actually, it was my mother, who was a true fighter, and who could really solve many problems. And I am who just copied her behavior without having real energy, potential, and abilities to do the same.
I may describe every situation in a notebook and analyze thoroughly why I did exactly what I did, and how could I behave differently. It may help me to understand my weakness, and knock out the wrong algorithm of my behavior because “Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to repeat it”.
Or I could acknowledge those mistakes in the past and move forward following another famous quote “Let the past bury its dead. Don't saw sawdust.”
Or I could build more excuses like “they expected too much from me, or they also promised a lot to me, or nobody trained me to do that, or they could call me back themselves, or the politics at that time was… or the Moon was in wane and there were too many solar flares…”
Whatever I will choose, I just understood, that I couldn’t judge other people's weaknesses, but I could better work on my own negativities. And now I can really forgive them and let them go out of my mind.
However, the horrible part of these thoughts is that the same model of behavior I apply to my own promises to myself. And the worst thing happening in my life is my own betrayal of myself – my body, my speech, my career growth, and just my life. Yes, it hurts.
Good night, people! Have a great holiday and weekend!
P.S. There was rainy and cold outside these days. I hope you all are fine.