Acbailey

Thoughts­čĄ¬
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2019-11-27 10:03:00 (UTC)

Help Me

Im such a fuck up! Im worthless! I am not needed! I am a nobody! I am a bitch! I am a slut! I am worthless in everything! The house is filthy because of me! I need to clean, I need to finish laundry, I need to sweep and mop and I need to dust. I am a worthless piece of shit. I ruin everything good in my life and I don't even realize it half the time. I don't understand why i push everyone away; that's one thing i need to work on. I hate myself some days. Keson told me i should go see someone today and i don't feel like i need too. I'll start writing everything again and hope that it helps. He's dating Kyla, it sucks but I'm a nobody so i kind of saw it coming to be honest. I get left behind all the time. Nobody will care if i leave. I can leave town and not one person will notice. I can die and not one soul will be at my funeral. I cut tonight after Keson left. I was in the shower and I saw my razor and thought to myself, Just one cut won't hurt right? Well one turned to about 6 or 7. They are on my stomach, very little, not deep, but deep enough to draw some blood. They are there and I'm not proud of them but they helped not gonna lie. I know it was wrong but I couldn't care less. I haven't cut in so long! It's been years for me and I guess I reached my breaking point. I am not mentally stable right now I need help but I'm not strong enough to ask for it. I think I can get through it myself. I did before and I am alive not in the best state but I am here. I don't know what I am doing in this world. I am confused and hurt and I just wanna cry all the time! My tears won't come so I did the next best thing, put on sad music got in the shower and sat there. I hope I can get my life right, but it's not looking like I can. I hate everything in my life right now. I can't stand to look at myself in the mirror. I don't want to eat, I don't want to go to school, I don't want to leave my bed. I want to sit in sorrow and drown in my tears but I cannot cry. I cannot do anything. I put on my fake smile and go about my day, hoping and praying nobody will see past it. Hoping nobody will question me. I hate bringing people into my messed up life. I hate it with a passion. I would rather sit and let it eat me up than anything else. I would rather have the world on my shoulders other piling it onto someone else. That's not a good thing I know trust me, it eats me on the inside. But what can I do? I try my hardest not to shut down I try to be open with people but I also don't know how. Like how do I tell someone my problems. How do I have someone see what I see. I search my house every morning and every night and make sure everything is locked because I am scared to leave my room at night. I am scared if I hear something outside. I am scared out of my mind. I literally don't know what to do anymore. I just want answers to help me. Help guide me in the right direction. Help guide me in life. Help me not ruin all friendships I made out here. HELP ME!! I need the help, I need the guidance. I need everything you can give me. I need it. Lord just help me please! PLEASE!


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