miss mess

midlife implosions
Ad 2:
Want some cocktail tips? Try some drinks recipes over here
2019-11-25 00:00:55 (UTC)

lost and unsure

seven days today. thus far, i am no better for anything. still believing it will get better. i HAVE to believe that.

i think i need to get out of the rut i'm in. the rut of, "think about cam, regret the decision i made, want to call him, want to message him, dream about him, miss him til my bones hurt, i know i did the right thing". THAT rut. that circle of thoughts and emotions that i have been caught up in, and can't seem to get out of. i tell myself that i need to be gentle with myself. hurting is normal...i've given up something very, very important to me. the loss is bound to strike deep. i need to "allow" myself the time to hurt and mope and grieve.

i am all over the place. i go from being in a tail-spin of literally being unable to sit still. i have to be busy, scrubbing something, re-organizing something, planning something. i need to physically exert myself with work outs and yard work...things that take all my breath away and make me tired. and then there are moments or times, when i can't make myself move at all. i just want to curl up and be numb and sleep. yesterday i walked into my kitchen for something, stood and looked out my window at the beautiful late fall afternoon with it's slanting shadows and sunlight. and the next thing i knew, i looked at the clock to find i'd been standing there for over 30 minutes. where was i?

i have a new issue tho, and honestly, i'm afraid. it's health related, and i think that after thanksgiving, i can't deny the issue any longer, and need to see a doctor. its regarding pain behind my eyes, but recently the pain has been more intense and has done some odd things to my left eye at times. i've been sleeping way more than normal, and i can't tell if it's this issue, or the depression over cam, or some combo of both. either way i think it's time to let the doctor in on it and see what he recommends. there are times lately that looking at anything bright (my phone, the laptop screen, the tv, or even out a window), that i feel a sharp knife-like pain in my left eye, and it becomes unbearable to even keep my eyes open. and then...just like that, it passes and i'm thinking "what the hell was that?" been happening on and off for a week now...i'll call tomarrow and get an appointment made.

i am thinking that i may be done writing here. this journal was about separating myself from my addiction. from cam. i am not sure i want to write about other things in my life...my "normal" life. and if there are no more cam things to write about, except how i miss him, and how things hurt, then i'm not sure this journal really has a purpose. i guess i will let it ride for a few more weeks, and then decide. i have alot of forward motion to make in my life, and i could use this to document it all, but i'm not sure that feels right either. right now...i guess i'm just not sure of much of anything other than i'm feeling so lost, just wandering in grief.