Pleasantly Disturbed

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2019-11-21 21:46:28 (UTC)

Coping With Recent Anxiety

Well, I might not be able to keep this journal. If I have to start a brand new one it will probably be a couple or a few months from now. I may try to keep the same name, but if not, I will write what my former name was in the intro and first entry.

I'm really stressed and worried about YouTube. Like, I already want to reduce what I watch because of their new rules that may make a lot of creators lose their channels. Plus, my phone that I watch it on has been messing up a lot lately. Also, I have a couple of other things acting funny on me. All this during the week that is the 7th month anniversary of my husband's death and his birthday. Like, I know I need to do other stuff besides just watch YouTube all the time. And I do, if only to have a break from it. But, YouTube videos are my greatest comfort in life when I most desperately need it. Yes, my therapy and grief group help me, as well. Thank God for those. Ive basically
cried all day at work Monday, Tuesday and today. Wednesday I was fine because I had the group therapy Tuesday night, my phone was actually working properly and I had therapy that day after work. I've also vented a lot of shit -- right to everyone at work. They didn't give me shit for it and that's a relief. They couldn't help much either, but thank you all so much for just letting me vent! That's more helpful than anything else, sometimes!

I often fall asleep to Vsauce videos. They soothe my soul. Michael Stevens is sexy-as-hell and I'm half-in-love with him. Lol. All these years I watched him, didn't notice how close to perfect he is until recently. He has stuff in common with my husband, but he's what I wish I could be - smart and funny. He also seems kind and very non-judgemental - something I value highly and a quality I need to cultivate in myself.

Had a dream I was married to Michael Stevens 3 weeks ago and have had this massive crush on him since!

I honestly want to know what other women out there find him extremely attractive. I can't be the only one. There is his wife, but dare I say... where's the Vsauce fangirls at? We can gush over him together! Lol!