miss mess

midlife implosions
Ad 2:
2019-11-21 17:30:48 (UTC)


i have been in this weird state of obsessed purging. cleaning out drawers and cupboards and throwing things away like a mad person; reorganizing what's left and putting it back in "different" manners. my therapist says this is a way of manifesting what i want and can't yet do...which is discard so much of my life. so for now, i'm settling for discarding anything i don't want or need...material wise.

i have an odd sense of energy....unable to sit still...unable to be idle. i am here now, writing in this journal, but for the most part, i can't bear to be sitting at the laptop at all. i never realized how much of my laptop was "in waiting" to hear from cam or to write to him. now....KNOWING there will be nothing from him, i don't want to be sitting here at all. it hurts...if that makes sense.

the sense of energy and being unable to sit has been good for the purging i'm doing. i've been in constant movement, and those around me are not sure what to think. i'm a person who already has OCD when it comes to any kind of piles and clutter. i hate mess....i need order. and now they are watching me go thru things that don't really need any change, and throwing things out. no one is asking tho....but thats how they are. no one wants to dig into "me" and see if i'm okay, because it mite mean that i'm not, and then something mite be required of them to help. can't have that! they have ALWAYS just lived in denial, when i seem affected by something. it's no wonder that dont turn to others and can only spew here or to my therapist.

there is anger in my energy....and i can't sort that out either. who am i mad at? WHY am i mad? i know i made the right decision...for both of us. i know this was the best thing to do. i've not questioned myself at all on that. but i feel so angry. the last few days, i've not even cried. i just feel like this tightly wound bundle of angry energy, trying to expel itself...somehow. i feel alone in my own storm. which i guess i am, aren't i?

normally when i'm upset, i'm a huge emotional eater. all my life. i can stuff an emotion with food, like any queen of denial. i can eat until i'm in physical pain, because that pain is easier to focus on, then the emotional pain. but this is different. i'm having trouble eating anything at all. it's like 'THIS' loss....this pain...is a whole different kind of hole inside me, and it just can't be filled with food. this has never, ever happened to me before.

i miss him so much. so.....fucking....much. i am just spinning so that i am not sitting still long enough to be able to feel all the hurt. i know that this split was neccessary in order for either of to be able to get our feet on our "right" and deserved paths. i DO know that. and yet, instead of feeling like the beginning of some "direction" for us....i just feel completely lost. spinning. turning. moving. in circles.

i am pretty sure this UNsettled feeling will eventually calm and resolve itself. things are so fresh and painful. i just need time. that's what i keep telling myself.