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2019-11-21 00:17:10 (UTC)

tired tired tired tired

"Without Permission" by The National

November 20, 2019 Wednesday 11:19 PM

It's a wash, awash. I can't believe it's been so long since I last wrote, I just—
I don't want to jinx it, but I haven't had my period in 43 days. This is almost double my normal cycle (which is normally 25 days). But then again, I'm pretty irregular. I've had 40 day cycles in the past, and I've also had 20 day cycles.

This is not what I wanted to discuss. I'm not sure I have anything to discuss! My hands are cold. I feel empty.
That has been the mood: I just feel empty and I sort of hate everything. Both Lancelot and my new psychiatrist want me to try lamotrigine/lamictal—which I have definitely tried before. I stopped for some reason and I don't remember why. It wouldn't been like 4 years ago by now. Anyway, I'm going to pick it up from the pharmacy tomorrow. I am impatient.

I want to be better. If I can't be better, than I want to be shittier. I want to be crying every day again. I want to skip class (well, I've already been doing that a LOT, but that's mostly the result of apathy). I want to lie down forever and never wake up. It's childish.

I'm bitter. About the people who go around smiling, laughing, jostling their buddies. Everything is cold. Marie is depressed and doesn't want to talk to anyone, so I haven't seen her. I haven't seen my housemates from last semester either, 'cause they're all busy and they live far away. The only person I see regularly is Nadiya, which is probably not great.

I just want to go home. But I know what I'm really looking forward to, is that bus ride—going through the Berkshires, seeing the trees and the steep drop-offs, and then how that flattens into countryside, snow-covered. I will be disappointed once I get off the bus. I want to be on the bus forever.

I'm just tired. I got tired at like 9 PM today, even though I only woke up at 1. This has been most days. I am tired.

i dropped linguistics
adrian was in my dream last night, tugging one pair of jeans over another
the neighborhood changed shape so i kept getting lost

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