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Nightmare from the past
My friend was cleaning up old pics from her phone or computer. She came up with one from what looked like around 9 years ago maybe? It was a pick of her daughter, my kiddo, and another one of our friend's daughter. Three cute little girls and it looked like pics from one of those photo booths that takes 6 shots. All cute little kids posing 6 different shots. Too cute.
Well, of course last night I had a dream about them when they were still little so I guess it took me back at a time when the ex wife was still living with me. So what was my nightmare? I was home with the kids and my wife at the time went out and somehow I found out she was going out with the guy she was having an affair with. This is all just a dream of course but it brought back the pain and anxiety that physically could be felt going down the back of my spine. Not so glory days.
I wake up and still feel that crap. I will never allow anyone to do anything so freaking evil to me again. I recall still wanting to keep the family together in the past. Keeping my job intact, paying the mortgage for that beautiful home, keeping the kids happy and trying whatever I could to keep the wife happy. Screw that! I will never let anyone make my life feel so worthless as what my ex wife did to me ever again.
I guess it's a nice reminder of where I am now. Changed man for sure and it's way better to be alone than to be with someone and be trashed like that. So there is a lot of gratitude that although alone, I am not so lonely and for sure not experiencing the pain and anxiety that I once did so many year ago.
I have to confess that before my surgery, I texted the ex and asked her if I could see the kiddos before I had the surgery. Told her about it and you know what she said? Nothing. Not even a no to my request. You know how Karma comes around right? Well, she texted me asking how my surgery went. Told her it was great and I have even more mobility on my neck now and my fingers that were numb no longer feels numb. In fact, due to my discs being replaced, I'm even a little taller now by maybe an inch.
Guess what she said to me? She just had major back surgery last week and now she is fighting an infection from her surgery. She is still in pain and is trying to recover. She is not doing well. I don't hate her. I'm not mad at her anymore. In fact, I forgive her and wish her well. I really mean that. But Karma sure can be a bitch sometimes and it caught up with her big time. Her back that was messed up when she fell off a ladder at work at Walmart has been messed up for a long time now. I'm guessing about 6-7 years. I didn't bother asking to watch the kids for a bit. I know the answer to that. So I say good luck to her.
That dream though. I guess it did mess with my head a little. Makes me think of the now. Makes me think a little about Faye. Where I am and now my evil ego is pounding on that door trying to mess with my head. Making me feel a little sad and all that crap I know I don't need. I'm strong and I know better. This will fade and I'll be fine. There will be better days.
Today, I get to babysit my friend's kiddos. She is gone for the week and so I have to stay there for a couple of days and take them to school. It's nice to be trusted so much that you will trust me with your most precious gifts in life. Humbled and grateful for my friend Jenny.
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