Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-11-19 16:43:55 (UTC)

I'm feeling kind of ugly ..

I'm feeling kind of ugly today. At the moment I'm sitting in my room evaluating my bad attitude regarding schoolwork and play in general because I know it's not healthy for me.

Last night while watching tv two of my roommates came to sit by and watch with me and I could've talked to them but I didn't feel like it really because in my mind I kept replaying the grudges I feel I'm holding. Although they didn't feel like grudges exactly, just very real reminders of why I shouldn't participate in friendship with them. Which hurt me, in turn, to feel lonelier than I'd like when I really just wanted to ask them about their day. I guess I feel mean for not asking or addressing the things that bother me about them, although the thought of addressing those things also feels mean. My people skills are something to be worried about.

And now I'm planning to leave for class and workout after possibly, although all my limbs feel relaxed and heavy since I'm still rebounding from that decaf coffee spree yesterday. I'm so sensitive in all senses of the word it seems.


The idea of sensitivity emotionally keeps cropping up in my mind as I realize it is a quality I possess, but also, a quality I don't know how to make an asset. I can't keep being bothered by things but not tend to the effects they have on my personality.
I keep betraying my idea of integrity for my feelings and that's not okay.
here's the ugly feeling and where it comes from

I need to be at class. more on this later possibly.




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