miss mess

midlife implosions
Ad 2:
2019-11-18 20:18:03 (UTC)

what am i?

yeah so...

i'm not doing well. it's one of those kinds of days where every single thing makes me cry and i just feel...empty. and i can't imagine that it will ever get better. but i know that it will.

it will right?

i've been preparing for this for a while. i was building up to it. gaining strength. convincing myself it was the right thing. and yet...saying it all "to" him...was so awful. it made me feel like i wasn't as ready as i thought i was...as i tried to be.

i still know that it was the right thing, based on how dragging things out will NEVER mean that we can actually have what we want. what we want has never been, and will never be an option. so, it's all for nothing. and all for everything. i just wish the "knowing" would make the pain less. it doesn't touch the pain at all tho.

and trying to grieve while my regular life is happening around me, makes me feel like i'm having an out of body experience. i am dying inside, but no one knows. no one can see how broken i am. red eyes and sniffling has been chalked up to allergies...they just believe thats all it is. do you know what it's like to be so UNseen?

cam would never believe i'm having a bad allergy day. he would look at me and "see" that i'm hurting. i just gave up the only thing that's ever really cared enough to "see" the things that are real. and i feel an incredibly heavy sense of lonliness, and impending loss of hope. i know what i was before cam. i know that he made me so much more. what i don't know, is what am i now?

today is a bad day. a really hard...really bad day. i can't see thru the tears and pain. i've been home alone today, and am grateful for the opportunity to hurt privately, but soon, i have to gather myself to face those who will be arriving home. i have to make it look like it's just any other regular day, and not let them see that i'm bleeding out.

in all the time we were together, i tried so many different ways to convey the love i feel for him. poetry, songs, words, sex, etc...and i always found that nothing really touched the depth of it, in order to convey properly. its just beyond words. i just hope, more than almost anything now, that he somehow knew the depth of it and felt it for what it really was. i really hope he knows. for me, the depths of it are tattooed on my skin as an eternal reminder, and tattooed on my heart to direct my soul to it's authentic life, like i promised him. i promised that i wouldn't stay where i am for long, in this place where i'm not seen. he gave me myself...and i have to make that mean something as i go forward.

but today, i am nothing, but this pain.