from my heart
i feel trapped
i am at church rn and i hate this place so much. never wanted to be here and wish i wasnt here. everything feels like bullshit to me. all i feel around here is judgement and annoying pleads to come to retreats and friday worships which i dont even want to go to either
one thing that preventing me from killing myself is the fact that i have braces and those cost so much so its such a waste of money but also the fact that im scared to die. its funny though because one youre dead nothing really matters. every material gain you have becomes nothing
i dont inderstand why i should be so thankful for life to god. i never asked to be born and i was born. but here i am now just living because i have too. and its stupid because i was created to serve god and if i dont i go to hell. i just dont geel happy in anything i do. isnt it selfish of god to create a being that didnt even want to be born yet he created the being to be served and given attention and even tho he gave us a choice if we chose not too then we go to hell?
i hate how people talk to me like they know me. i hate when both the ladies i work with cant stop obsessing at the fact that i pull my hair. they tell me to stop pulling my hair rn and that i should pray to god and act like its just so fucking easy to stop an addiction and disorder ive had for 10 years
i wish i could just lay in bed forever. im so tired of everything that i do and i just dont see the point in anything. everything feels so stupid and pointless. i feel like im not really good at anything and today i feel so gross. i hate the way im dressed and i tmakes me want to jusr hurt myself. i want to just xut mtseld and just be at home in bed. im so tired and just hating myself. i have to go to work today and i really dont want to go. life just sucks
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