miss mess

midlife implosions
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Ezoic
2019-11-17 00:37:52 (UTC)

letter to cam

i have been working so hard, to convince myself that i'm done with you. and there are times that i actually think i'm getting there. and then...there are nites like last nite, where alcohol seems to literally be a sip to sip path...directly to you. it's not that i only reach out to you because i'm drunk...it's that being drunk takes away the strength i have NOT to reach out to you. it's something i want to do all the time....ALL...THE...DAMN...TIME. and when my filters are destroyed by the wine, i can't stand my ground.

i hate the regret i feel afterwards. i hate that i feel bad for feeling what i feel. i hate that i'm so weak when it comes to you.

beginning this journal, happened because i knew (for too many reasons to count) that i needed to detox myself from you. i needed to stop wanting and needing you, because "us" continuing on....is almost the same as ASKING for more pain, even if there is joy before the pain. still...the end result is, and will always be...pain. i was determined to stop this cycle for both of us...for our own good, even tho that seems so twisted because we are so good together. good...doesn't always mean right. we have operated on "take what we can of each other, until we can't anymore"...for too long now. i knew it was time to stop. i knew it was time that rationality over-ruled the love, instead of the other way around, which is how we've lived. and i've done my best to bring things to an end...gently and slowly and with as little pain as possible for us both. but the truth is, that until i can manage to fully shut and the lock the door between us...i'm still always going to want and need you which leaves way for those late nite reach outs that i give into. the only way to begin to stop the wanting and needing and reaching out (if it's even possible, like i'm hoping) is to make it final. to say it to you...and not just think it in my head. i have to say it to you.

and so...here i am, to do that.

i have been frozen by something you said to me, which was "that if i ever left you again, you would never let me in again". there is alot of finality in that...and i've had trouble accepting it all. it would mean that never again would feel your body against mine, or inside me. never again would i see our opposite colored hands joined by beautifully entwined fingers. never again would my lips touch yours, and my tongue feel that sweet silkiness of your warm mouth. never again, will i feel and hear your breathing change when a moment between us turns to desire. never again will you look at me with love in your eyes. all these "nevers"...have had me frozen.

but i think i've gotten to acceptance now. i think i can finally accept that our last time together will forever be the last time i had any and all of those things in the above parapgraph. i think i'm finally in a place of accepting "never again". that i have gathered every memory i'm ever going to have to treasure, and that those memories HAVE to be enough now, for the rest of my life. i know that you could challenge this, and that i could lose my ground, but i'm hoping that you won't do that. i'm hoping that you will also accept that this is the best thing for us, and that anything else will only bring us more pain.

i can't tell you how many times i check my phone or laptop a day....for "something" from you. i can't tell you how doing that takes me out of my present...constantly. it's been this way for so long, and the only way for me to stop doing these things, is to KNOW that YOU are no longer an option and that there will never be another "something" from you, for me to find. only knowing that...will i be able to come back to some sort of present and be able to get my life on the path i'm wanting to be on. so, i need to remove you from all the places that i find you. even our journal...i will be closing, once i know you've read this. i HAVE to do this...or i will continue looking for you. it's the only way.

this beautiful, complicated, torrid, emotional ride...is over. the profound pain in this acceptance, can no longer matter. i have to let you go. you have to let me go. there can be no more open doors. no more "rounds". no more "there for each other" in any way. because only in ending it with fierce finality...can either of us truly move forward. it's the only sick, twisted solution for either of us to have what we each deserve, and to attain dreams we each have.

you have been EVERYTHING to me cam....and i mean EVERYTHING. you were my every dream come true, and then some. you liberated me in ways that you may never fully understand. there is no way to thank you for all that you've been and done for me, so hopefully my forward path in life will convey it best, as i strive for things based on what you taught me about myself. and you, my love...need to do the same. ours...is a love that will always exist, somewhere in our hearts and souls, because it's the kind that never dies. in that way, you will always, always be with me. my tattoo will always be an outward expression of all that "we've" been, for all to see, even if they don't know what they are seeing. i wear it proudly cam....and i've loved you proudly.

this doesn't even begin to touch on all that i'm feeling right now, but i can't dare to go there, or i will fall apart, which i'm barely keeping from doing as it is.

i could ramble on and on with this goodbye trying to put off signing off, knowing what it means. but it wouldn't do either of us any good. like the ending of us...this letter also needs to just end. no more dragging out the hardest goodbye i will ever have to say.

i love you with all that i am...and you ARE all that i am.


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