from my heart
im only fine because i look fine. but i feel so much of the opposite from fine. i feel especially not fine today because im dressed in the jeans i hate the most and my outfit makes me feel so fucking ugly. i hate the way im dressed and i hate the way i look. i hate my skin. i tried to work on making it nice but i have given up and now my skin is like sandpaper. i couldnt even be bothered to brush my teeth last night or wash my face before i went to bed. and honestly i dont even remember the last time ive showered.
the fact that im this unhygienic and unclean disgusts me so badly but i feel so fucking tired to do anything. i walk to class and i feel like every step takes like years. everything feels so slow. i havent been to the gym in a while so im just wasting money and being stupid. i applied to a college last night so hopefully i get accepted or i wouldnt really know what to do.
i just feel like my life is so redundant and i hate this routine im living in. i know people say that we can change our lifestyle with effort and mindset but its easier said than done. i feel demotivated and lack the passion and drive to do anything for long. i hate church. i feel oppressed and as if i have no choice to do anything in my life.
i want to enjoy the food i eat but it tastes so bland. i want an appetite. i want money. i wish i had earbuds. mine broke so i cant even listen to music. i know im being pessimistic but its getting hard lately not to wake up and wonder what the meaning of this whole life is. sometimes when i do shower for once i just sit there with the water running because i feel too tired to stand up and actually shower. its hard when something so simple is so much effort. i just like to sit and do nothing. i feel like sometimes thats the only thing im capable of doing and the only thing im really good at. wasting time.
im tired of being this way but sometimes im so used to it. i cant even get mad about it because sometimes i even prefer to be this way. sometimes when im happy, i feel anxious because i dont know how long this happiness will actually last. its never full happiness because theres always that feeling of anxiousness in the back of my mind.
i wish my mom stopped questioning so much. im a shit daughter and sometimes i just think about how spoiled and disgraceful i am. i just wish i wasnt me and i just feel like i dont deserve anyone in my life to be honest. if i had a best friend, it would probably be isolation.
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