miss mess

midlife implosions
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2019-11-12 16:22:52 (UTC)

when the self hate bubbles over

this entry is just rambles. words falling over words, trying to rationalize the trust i've lost in myself. its things being discussed with my therapist, so fresh and raw, and i'm feeling very down on myself....rightly so. i may never discuss this here again...but for today...i'm letting it out, even if it isn't making any proper sense.

it's no secret that i have trust issues. always have. probably always will. i don't want to have them. they are a heavy burden, when you can never fully relax because you always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

i could blame ALOT of people who have wronged "me". i could say it was all the men who have cheated on me, no matter how hard i tried to be what they want. i could say it's my mom who was never there for me emotionally and left me feeling like things needed to be hidden and buried because they were "MY" business and no one else's. i could blame my father, who took his own life, and couldn't love me enough to remain in mine. i could blame friends along the way who have broken promises or not been there when i mite have needed them. every single one of these things is valid, and the blame "could" be placed there. but the sucky thing is that....

i think i've done it to myself. my UNtrust-worthy-ness....is something i live with every day. you can't have an affair, no matter how justified you find it to be, and NOT be faced every day with the fact that you are a cheater and a liar, and not trustworthy. i view the world thru cheating eyes...it's like a sad, sick filter. when you know what you are capable of yourself, it's hard to NOT think of what others mite be capable of too....so, you just know that you can't trust anyone, really.

this can't be undone. i've already done what i've done. it can't be UNdone. and it's complicated, because i wouldn't undo it even if i could. i would NEVER undo cam. yet...i suddenly feel this loss...the loss of trusting of myself, that i didn't feel before, and it's overwhelming. being caught up in things, i just didn't care what was wrong or right. i still don't. like i said, i would not have missed cam in my life for anything. but i never thought that because of it, i'd lose such an important part of myself. for all the things cam has given me, and all the beautiful, profound discoveries i've made that are directly related to being with him....i've still lost..."this". the ability to trust myself. like i traded all the beautiful things for this piece of myself. i know i am not explaining this well...

its not that i now feel like i will just constantly cheat. i won't be out running amuck and doing untrustworthy things for the rest of my life. on the contrary, i've always known that there will never be anyone other than cam. i don't want anyone else. and i will eventually leave my marriage, so even being with cam won't always be "cheating". but...none of that UNdoes anything that i've already done, which has stripped away this part of me. i don't feel regret. i feel...like a part of me was sliced away and it's made the rest all out of balance, because i can't see me as a "whole" ever again. and i can't get back something i already used up, you know?

can i start over? can i recreate myself? does that work....or is it just an illusion i'd be giving myself to feel better? somewhere in the hopefully near future when i've started my life over, like i'm taking steps to do...can i fool myself enough to believe that i'm not the person i've become who's made me look at all others so differently?

i like to think that i'm not the person that i am. i like to think i am better. but the reality is that i'd always choose to have that piece of me sliced off, rather than to have faced never having what i've had with cam. so....i am EXACTLY what i am...and no better. and i don't want to be...but i can't and wouldn't UNdo cam....so where does this leave me? if i am on a quest to live my own life authentically....am i able to do it with this missing part of me? or will i always still be...broken? i want to feel an inner peace, but did my affair erase the chance of that forever?

i may end up deleting this entry....i can seem to convey what i'm feeling the need to convey...