2019-11-11 23:02:06 (UTC)


hierarchies and structures, organizations and labeling.
it's what I seem to be obsessed with these days. and i'm apparently training to charge nurse.
but things are different now. or so I want to believe.
my family asked me when i'm gonna come down again. but they haven't visited me in springfield since I've been here, excluding the time only my mother helped me move...
i'm not about it. i'm developing a thick skin but losing my patience quicker. people are stressful as fuck and i have no time to deal with the bullshit. whether they like me or not i'm beginning to realize is not as important as me doing my job. sad truth.
there's nurse residency tomorrow. so stupid.
so i need to get my thoughts in order again.
let's start with a list: family, friends, work, school, future plans, feelings, and fuckups.
family - i've been expanding my definition. but i don't know if it's worth it, or if it's compatible with what i believe. i want to make people feel comfortable around me, but whether they want to be comfortable is up to them. my younger brother is getting a promotion (probably) as i am training to be charge. it's not very fun. and i just laughed - i don't think they'd like the idea of me trying lean. (or trying to robotrip at all, anyway. which was unsuccessful.) but then again, my younger brother has done acid, shrooms, and weed. i only smoke pot - and reluctantly. i have to decrease my amount as it's starting to wear on me, in ways i'm still not sure.
friends - it's an intimacy problem. it's whoever i see, i'm attracted to. and that's not all - i'm lonely as fuck. i work all the time, and i see a cute guy, and i just lose it. it's no wonder it's so easy for me to be creepy. it's what I've been doing essentially my whole life. i haven't stopped having thoughts about raf shirtless, and hugging sho, and rubbing rob down, and visiting hassan. why the fuck can't i figure out what it is i want? but i'll leave my rants for the feelings section. i'm not about that right now. but what i do know is that i never wanna go to boystown with irteja again. and i also want to make this non-tobacco hookah for these idiots. and i also most definitely want to spend more time with 1414 even if they're starting to be exactly what irteja described. that same ostracization - except he didn't handle it as well as i did. i was far away and bitter. he took it out on his roommates. i took it out on myself. and i was depressed for weeks after constantly blaming myself. but now i know people will never change, and i don't expect shit from people anymore. it is what it is. my stomach is still small. i barely eat. but i know i am damn well trying. also still baffled at the amount that hano / raf cuddle. i'm disappointed. could be me.
work - memorial is a shitshow. 4G is unbelievably difficult. Nicole just joined though, which makes me happier, but she's on days the first 4 weeks. and apparently i'm supposed to learn to be charge within the coming weeks. but if Jacob can get promoted to GM and handle it, i can be a charge and fucking handle it. i will fucking handle it. despite my futile attempts to break negative habits, i still have a positive attitude about change, and i'm really happy about my excitement to keep that. it does get stressful but i have to start learning to be a leader. so that's fine. i will work harder than anyone. and those hands WILL come for those upper chair jobs, bitch. don't try me.
school - for whatever reason, i'm still catching fleeting glimpses of UIS and UIC memories. maybe it was the environment of academia, or it was taking a breath of fresh air after a long class, but i miss the academic grind. i was better at it. now i'm just browsing uptodate articles at work like a fucking nerd. although i really should stop looking up articles on cannabis consumption or they're totally gonna know what's up. i laughed when Danielle told me that if they drug tested her she would lose her job. i literally had the same thought. but everyone's getting pregnant and trying to move forward with their lives. i feel like training to be charge was perfect timing, as i had the energy to be capable of handling training rn. but it gets more exhausting. nurse burnout is very real. and i need to start finding new ways to take care of myself because the shit i'm doing now is getting stale. dancing and video games can only take you so far, although they've admittedly been doing a better job of de-stressing me than i anticipated they would. on that note, i'm gonna take another hit.
that was a mistake.
future plans - i am optimistic, but I've been failing. over and over. i keep making unattainable goals for myself because i'm not breaking them down into smaller chunks. but i am analyzing and studying this. i will make a move on this. and it may not be anytime soon but i'm starting to see the patterns. that rubber band trick was actually working, but it hurts the hairs on my wrist. maybe it doesn't have to be a rubber band. maybe i can do some dumb shit like double tap my pulse. yeah, i actually like that. i'll double tap myself to start reminding myself of when i'm thinking sexual thoughts. my goals are to become charge, smoke less, and fap less. i think life will somehow magically usher in tons of positive change after that. or maybe it won't. but it's sure worth the try. i just don't want to be a mindless goodie-two-shoes doing what's best for everyone. i still have the ambition to do better. to look better. to BE better.
feelings - i'm thinking about visiting hassan. and then i apologized to pk about the way that i was. i'm kinda shitty for leading him on. i get these intense feelings of missing him, but if i express those feelings, i completely go numb and lose the feelings. it's what happened when we were seeing each other. so how does it keep happening? i wanted to save up some money to go traveling. and part of me wanted to visit Saudi Arabia, but we all know why. and today i didn't even realize i was wearing my ring. i keep thinking about him, but there was a short period of time that i wasn't, and it's because i'm beginning to realize who he was. i keep idealizing and idealizing despite my better judgment. he's an actual dickhead but nothing is real as my first love. Oscar tried to make me feel guilty for that but i set his ass straight. i'm not going to apologize for telling you like it is. in fact, it's likely despite my better judgment to change, i may end up staying the same too. growth and change in more dimensions than you thought possible. and i will be a goddamn success too. but i wonder if anyone is trying to advance in neuro either. but i have to grit my teeth and do better. always do better. and man, it feels like one of these days i'm going to internally decap myself from the amount of neck stretching I've been doing. i need to start being more active. computer chair is not helping.
i'm too tired to go through my list of fuckups. it's not worth it - because as long as i learn from those fuckups, all that matters is achieving my goals rn. can't afraid to make myself more afraid of failure than i already am. also i'm goddamn proud of myself for this entry, I've truly and sincerely analyzed some deep feelings. it feels like i cleaned the rooms but i also cleaned my heart, too. in the process of putting everything back to where it was.

it's time for me to be better.