Downsizinghurts

Downsizinghurts
2019-11-11 16:17:23 (UTC)

You are enough, a gift

My husband and I have an ever evolving relationship that seems to get better every day. Most of the time I still feel like a wounded animal. I walk in circles, have days I struggle to even get out of bed. I need to start writing in this diary more to not just let some of the emotions out, but to remind myself of the positives. My husband has given me the greatest gift possible. We’ve both made mistakes. We’ve both made bad decisions and choices. Through out our marriage I felt seen and not heard. We would sit and discuss something, agree about something usually involving our kids then he would do it anyway behind my back. He told me that when I just couldn’t take it anymore and I left he had to do some hard self examination. I’d shut him out. Blocked all contact. Months went by. Holidays, my birthday. He said he told himself that if he could ever get me back that not one single day would go by again that he didn’t show me how much I meant to him. When he initially told me that I told him.. talk is cheap.. we’ll see how this goes because I was out of patience, out of understanding. I had to many other things in my life going on to not feel safe with a life partner. He told me that it hurt him and he would never ask for details about my time with S, but if I ever needed to talk about anything he would listen. The gift? He has done it. For over a year. I don’t talk about anything intimate or go into any great details. Primarily bad or hurtful things that happened. Not one single time has he interrupted, said anything at all bad about S, no judgement, no unsolicited opinions.. just listened. He doesn’t get mad about any of it, doesn’t act resentful to me. He doesn’t listen to me and think about his own ego, he listens to me and only thinks of me. What I need in the moment. That is the most rare gift you can offer another human being. He just listens. No advice, no sarcasm, no judgement.. only me. When I told him how grateful I was for that he told me he learned that from me... he said it wasn’t until I’d left that I’d been offering him the same thing. He realized that when he was hurt that I’d not only left as his wife, but as his best friend.
I told him once that at times between both S and my dysfunctional family that I felt I wasn’t good enough. I couldn’t help them, I couldn’t make them happy. He snorted and raised his eyebrows then said “You are enough. It’s ridiculous how enough you are. I could love you for a thousand years and you would still be overwhelmingly enough”. It’s so incredibly sad that I’ve been hurt enough by so many people that I’m still struggling to believe him. My goal? To be the person I want to have in my life. No matter how much we do for or love some people, they can and will turn their back on you and there’s nothing you can do about it. No amount of self sacrifice will make them a better person. I can only control me. How I treat others. A little more kindness and a little less judgement goes a long way. Things people say and do is a reflection of who they are, it rarely has anything to do with you. I will continue to be the same person I’ve always been. In my darker days.. I need to remember all of this.




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