Broken Glass Park
I feel like I've accepted so much. Can I list what I've accepted without getting depressed? That most people are judgemental jerks and so, I am basically alone. I accept this because I have been forced to by circumstances -- my husband's death and seemingly endless disappointment in people. Of course, I could choose to not accept it, but then, I would continue to have great sadness in continually being let down by people. I should not expect people to act any differently. Deep down I hope for it, but I keep my hope as small as possible. And I keep this tiny bit of hope so that I am not in absolute, complete despair. If I had high hopes, I'd have constant disappointments, constant pain. I became sick of the emotional rollercoaster. And of course, I can't function in complete despair. So, I think the answer is to just keep the tiniest bit of hope.
Of course, I still have sadness, but it's minimized as much as possible to the point of almost complete numbness. I'm not "comfortably numb," but I have a good amount of numbness to counteract negative -- and even positive emotions, as well. Maybe you could call it balance and stability? I can be objective and observe my own emotions as they are occurring and can therefore, calm them much quicker. The positive emotions can be overwhelming, as well, especially when you have been sad for so long. I've calmed down a lot from that really good dream I had on November 1st (that I won't write about in here - it just gave me some kind of closure and made me have a new crush), but there is a remaining joy, as well as peace. I feel stable.
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