maybe somewhere up the road?
i haven't written because i can't seem to really sort my thoughts lately. i'm gonna try and if it comes out like the cluster-fuck in feel in my head, i'll just delete instead of posting this.
cam and i are communicating again. when he comes out of his dark places, he always seems to look for me. i think on some level, that he may never admit, that he actually needs me. but it's fleeting and hard to measure up to. he feels my hesitancy, so he's being gentle, and just asking things about what i've been up to, rather than getting into anything personal having to do with "us". i know this game tho...it ALWAYS leads to "us"...and i was right, because it's already going there.
he knows i'm in therapy. i started therapy about a year and a half ago, when my anxiety led to my thinking i was having a heart attack. ambulance, weekend hospital stay and alot of tests. my heart is good (twisted truth, i suppose), and they believe that i just had a panic/anxiety attack because they can present the same as heart attack. crazy. but true. anyway, it spurred my family to put pressure on me, because i'd been in the downward spiral of my depression already and they were scared for my health. so...i began therapy. it ended up being a good and bad thing. sometimes in order to heal yourself, you have to rip yourself wide open. scars have to be ripped off, because wounds weren't healed right to begin with and they have festered underneath. you end up being laid bare and raw. exposed. broken. shredded. and then slowly, you begin the process of putting yourself back together, in what you hope is a better and healthier way. lets just say, the process has been hell. but it's also been enlightening and has brought me to lots of understandings about why i am the way i am. and it's given me the knowledge that i can change whatever i want to get where i want to be, as long as i'm doing it for the right reasons, and not having knee jerk responses to things that affect me. no rebound decisions...they must be thought out and determined based on the fact that i believe i have self worth enough to deserve what i want. that is not easy for me, but currently, i am working with my therapist to come to that belief.
so...when he (cam) asked me how therapy was going...i told him where i'm at in my sessions. right now, my quest for authenticity has me questioning loyalty, honesty, and trust. those things don't seem to really exist. they are just farces we climb on a stage to act out. i feel that i am mostly a good person, but lets face it, i'm in love with someone who isn't my husband, so who the hell am i to judge anyone for anything? but also, if you can't trust yourself, how to ever trust another person? i live on that stage, every day of life, acting out the roles expected of me as wife and mother. but the "me" deep inside...is NOT that person. the "me" deep inside, wants completely different things than my scripts allow. so the question becomes..."how do i get to that?" the things i want are MY truths...and i'm exhausted from the roles i play. i want to find peace in living my truth. yet...to have my truth, others will be hurt. lives will be torn apart, because that's what divorce does.
my TRUTH isn't cam, as the definition. i'm not looking to live where i can be with him, without hiding. i'm looking to do and be who "I" want, without hiding. cam might be a part of that....but he also mite NOT be. the point is that i'm looking to feel "free" of others expectations on me, so that i can be me for the first time in my life. whatever that includes. so in therapy, we dig pretty deep. when you've buried your real self your entire life, you have no clue who you are. my quest is to discover "ME". my marriage is already over, even if i'm still here, and my children are grown. i've given myself so completely to them all and to the process of their lives, that i lost myself. and no one even noticed. i was dying a slow death for years, and no one noticed, because as long as their needs were met, all was good. but it's not good for me anymore. i need to finally meet my own needs. whatever they are.
i'm sharing this with cam. he's known for a while now, that i will eventually leave my marriage. it's not to be with him. he knows that too. it's not about him. although so much in my affair with him, has really showed me parts of my hidden self that have made it apparent to me, that i need to find this life for myself, before i lose the opportunity. i'm not young...and i'm not getting any younger. if i'm to have this place of authenticity that i so crave...i need to begin carving it out now. and two of the ways i'm beginning that process are continuing with therapy to learn more about me, and to write everyday. i am writing two books, and the goal is to be able to live off of writing when i leave. one unburied fact about me, is that i ALWAYS wanted to be a writer, but was always knocked for it, and so never believed in myself enough. now that i'm writing these two books, and seeing the chapters unfold, i am believing more and more in myself. it's amazing what can happen when you stop letting others determine your story, and you take over the writing.
anyway...our communications (cam and mine) have all been about "me" lately. and i'm sharing honestly. my goal is to be alone...and once i'm there, THEN i can choose who or what happens in my life and when it happens. but the ALONE is the goal. i feel like i need it the most...more than anything, in order to get myself back. i think he is feeling slighted, because i'm stressing the "alone" part. i think we both feel that no matter how many "endings" we have...the door is never completely shut on "us". and it's probably not. i'm not saying that he won't be in my life up the road. i'm saying that i have to be alone "first". if he wants to be here for my process, then i'm okay with these communications and sharing as i go. but i cannot allow myself to get swept up in the us that i know completely takes me over. the original point of this journal, was to detox myself from cam...and while it's true that there will always be a weakness for him, it's also true that i have the found the strength to keep him at arms distance where things are safer for me. at least for the moment. his life is on an upswing, and looking positive right now, and he needs to stay focused on that, while i stay focused on what "I" need. if we can do that and still communicate, then i'd love that. i just have to stay strong, because when he begins asking for me in other ways...it's always my downfall. i need to find my ALONE, before i can allow anything that blurs my path again.
i have to stay focused on myself for the first time in my life. and that could take quite a bit of time. so in the back of my mind, i have the nagging fear, "what if you keep him at arms distance, and during that time, he finds someone to fulfill his dreams of family?" i have to admit, that thought hurts my heart. but hasn't it always been the issue? he NEEDS to have that option, even if he says he doesn't want it anymore. i don't believe him. so, if focusing on me, gives him an open door for his own needs...this is the right thing all around. and in a few years, when i've untangled myself from my marriage and have found my "alone"....if he is still alone too...then maybe...
he's good at turning my world upside down tho...when he begins expressing his needs and wants of me...so...there is always going to be that to stand up to. sigh.