Pleasantly Disturbed

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2019-11-06 22:20:12 (UTC)

Wildly Inspired

This is such a strange question I have come up with in my mind, but -- do you ever feel proud of yourself for who you have a crush on? It's like, 'Yes,' I finally fell for the right person! I know, strange. I've been crazily overwhelmed with this feeling. I dislike my therapist right now because I can't even explain this to her. It's okay. I got this. She helped me when I desperately needed the help, but now I feel I need it less and less. And, despite what I wrote about feeling proud of myself, it's not about pride, when I say that I DON'T need their medications they are trying to give me. They keep telling me that they are mild - nothing like Ambien or Paxil. Still, I don't want anything interfering with this "chemical reaction" in my brain. This feeling I am having. This is such a serene kind of joy that is such an uplift for me that it drove me crazy the first few days. I drank a bit too much. Could barely sleep when I did get sober. Couldn't stand still, couldn't rest. I'm still like that -- very energized, but I have calmed down a lot. I have decided that I don't want to drink. I will try meditation -- or other things, as alternative to drinking. I'll dance around my room like a maniac, whatever it takes!

I am so anti-medication, especially now when it could interfere with this joy I am experiencing. I will not be anxious. I have a plan. πŸ˜‰

I am a bit annoyed at all this money I will have to spend on Ubers to get home from this grief group therapy. Especially, if it doesn't help. I'm not saying I'm completely healed, but I have a confidence in myself that I did not have before. I am insanely inspired.

I haven't written in here, but I've written several poems, one of which is written in here, but the rest may be... Too personal for the internet???

I'm going to hate spending all this money if the grief group is simply more people I cannot trust. I'm extremely observant of people or at least how they make me feel. Certain people I get bad vibes from and I've hardly ever been wrong.

The world is not my enemy, surely, but too many people are too judgemental and assuming and I need to meet someone who isn't. Heck, there may be a couple people I know like that right now and they are great to be around. They are a blessing to my work life, surely.


In conclusion, I feel like I'm in love. Crazily enough, it's someone I've never met in person. If I sound crazy or too obsessed, I force myself to watch other things they are not involved in. They are not a television or movie star and that is all I will say.

I will update on this medication situation. Hell, that's a good name for an entry or poem.


Can't wait to relax and watch some more "Mind Field." My favorite episode, so far was when Michael was in an isolated room for 3 days with no form of entertainment. I, myself, wouldn't get lonely or miss anyone in particular. Maybe just the small, daily interactions with people. But, I have no one, truly. It was touching, truly, when his Mom was crying over seeing him get to a state where he wasn't talking, like to the camera or anything.

To clarify, "Mind Field" is a show Vsauce did on YouTube. It was premium, but is free until December, I think. Vsauce real name is Michael, by the way and that is my favorite name, so I will go with that. Lol.

My other favorite episode is when he tried ayahuasca. I would love to try it now. I think I'd be able to let go and fully experience it. I have no fear now, with all the trauma I've been through in my life. My only concern would be that I would puke, but I would completely accept that possibility, as long as I were still able to get the experience out of it, that you are supposed to get out of it.


Now, that I'm off-topic (sort of), can I just say that I think Vsauce Michael (here - lol!) is possibly one of the most memeable people ever?


I could go on and on, but do you know what's freaking hilarious? "Vsauce Out Of Context Videos" people make. I like one of them, where he's lying on the floor facing the camera and there's half a banana on the floor in front of him and he points at it (I think) and says, "That's unfortunate." It's just the most random shit. And I've seen several of his videos, but still have trouble figuring out where many of the clips come from.


Well, now that I went off on a crazy tangent... (or did I?...πŸ˜‰), bye for now!!!


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