miss mess

midlife implosions
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2019-11-05 16:47:56 (UTC)

like a tornado warning

he wants to start again. and he's doing what he does...coming back strong, wanting to stake his claim.

this morning there was another entry from cam, letting me know that he's not letting me go, and asking me what i need from him, in order to restore our relationship.

it freaks me out how such simple "wanting" words from him, can make me forget things i've been saying, ground i've made, or plans i have. how does one person affect another so completely?

its all too easy for his "wants"....to become mine. all he has ever had to do was whisper the hint of wanting me in anyway...and that whisper travels thru me like a warm mist...claiming me, so that his want becomes mine too.

in the past, that's how it's happened. i'd just allow myself to be swept up into the "wants"...because feeding off of them is fucking glorious. but i'm not sure i can do it anymore. to say i'm torn, doesn't touch the shallowest depth of what i feel.

to want what you want, while knowing at the same time, that it will only end up hurting....is such a stupid torture. to not know which will win out....is another kind of torture. will i give in to what i want? or will i spare us both further pain? will i stand the ground i've gained, or will i allow my world to tilt, so that i slide backward...right into his arms again?

rational thoughts are so easy. so simple. so true. and i've been filling myself with those rational thoughts for weeks now. and just "one" instant of his heart reaching out for mine again, and all that rationality is spinning inside me like a tornado. i feel like i'm fighting to be able to grab onto just one tiny shred of something that will keep me from doing something else. do i head downward into the underground safety from the storm? or do i let go and let the winds pick me up and carry me where they will?

i want to be brave enough to stand my ground. i want to be brave enough to do whats right for both of us. but you have to be strong to be brave. am i? yes....except where HE is concerned.


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