miss mess

midlife implosions
Ad 2:
2019-11-04 17:45:09 (UTC)


(warning....i will be wearing out the word "alone" in this entry).

it is sadly common to be in a relationship, and yet feel completely alone. to be sitting right next to the person you are with...and still feel utterly, alone.

cam left an entry in our journal this morning. he tried to apologize for the way he'd so often left me "alone" while he struggled with his issues, always knowing i was there...but just....being....left...alone (by him). he says he hopes that someday i can forgive him.

i think maybe it's his way of trying to pull me back in. to start a conversation. but each time that he's needed to be ALONE, has left me all ALONE...and the cycle is just so...ALONE. and i must be finding some sort of strength since our last splitting, because i just can't see myself being pulled back in. for the first time in a long time, i don't have the strength to put myself thru more aloneness at his hands, but i have the strength to save myself from it. maybe there is hope for me yet?

and in my marriage, it's been the same for years. it's clear when someone doesn't want to hear you. they show you in a million different ways that you aren't "heard". the result is pulling back, closing up, and feeling ALONE.

so what kind of fool am i, when i'm not only in marriage that leaves me feeling that way...but i entered into an affair that left me feeling the same way? TWO relationships that leave me feeling alone. what kind of fool am i?

i've had this aloneness pushed at me for so long...that i think i've become it. so it's probably time, that i really DO become it.

my new goal is to BE alone. it's going to take years to untangle myself from this marriage and it's obligations...but every step i take in those years that it's going to take, is going to be forward steps to BE ALONE. if i'm going to feel alone, i'm going to do it for real, and BE alone. at least, there will peace in the fact that it's the real definition of the word, and not some pretense and facade of a relationship that isn't what it appears to be. i'm tired of being stuck in places where my needs aren't met, my hungers are not fed, and my feelings and thoughts are not heard.

i'm beginning to believe that being truly alone, is really the only true thing that will fill me up. being alone will be where i find me. i have visions of this, where i truly feel a peace i've never known. that i so crave. alone....is where i want to be.

years of thinking that feeling alone, is only cured by being with someone else...and you find that it's not the answer at all.

who knew?

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