Scream Above the Sounds
2019-11-04 14:52:37 (UTC)

First Weekend at Work/No Self Esteem

It went okay. I've worked for them before, but in a different store. It wasn't bad. It went quick enough anyway. Friday they had me on the aisle that had wines, beers and spirits, which is fine by me; when I got over the initial fear of smashing a bottle. The first few hours were pretty chilled, I was just tagging booze in the warehouse. I didn't have anybody bother me, just really easy and simple to get on with. Yesterday I was filling cereal and then eventually water. There isn't really much else to say, it's very bland, but easy. The most important thing is to have some money coming in whilst I'm studying. Whether they will keep me on after Christmas remains to be seen. They have hired like 50 staff members so I very much doubt they will keep me after December, but we'll see.

I didn't go into college today. I think I'm falling into a really bad depressive way again, when I really have no reason to be. I feel like everything is getting on top of me and the walls are closing in. I just feel very miserable when things are on the up. I mean, maths is really bumming me out again. I think I'm going to go in next Monday and just tell her that I'm not doing it because it's a waste of time, and I don't need it to get to the university I want to go to. It's just unnecessary stress and it's making me miserable and feel like shit. Besides that, a lot of other assignments will come in thick and fast. I honestly don't know if I have what it takes to get to uni. I don't feel very intelligent or that I belong on this course. My confidence, self esteem and belief is at an all time low right now. I guess I'll know how I really feel when I get my Geography assignment back. If I didn't get anything higher than a 'pass', then I'm definitely fucked.

I could really use a drink. Louise is away in Nepal at the minute and she is my usual drinking buddy, so that's off the table. She won't be back for ages either. I guess I could take up the mantle and become the pathetic hermit I'm destined to be and start drinking alone, why not? I'm happy about being employed again, but in terms of college and the future, I am scared. I literally feel like I'm going to amount to nothing, and it just sucks.