Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-11-02 17:05:25 (UTC)

here's a draft of a ..

here's a draft of a submission to a self help podcast. I haven't sent it. I feel like it's too obvious I don't like me, and that seems to be the main issue at the moment.

First off, love y'all, I've been listening to this pod on a regular basis this year, and I'm pretty sure it's the main reason I've been feeling mentally stable enough to slowly re- assemble my life.
for starters, this isn't a romantic-relationship letter, it's a roommate situation letter, and if that rules me out of the credo for a submission, it's okay, I just want to write this out for myself.
A little backstory- I was a dropout for the past couple years, living at home and hating it. I love my family but, you know, I can't stand them either. And mostly, I let my budding social life fall apart when I was in the grips of a burgeoning major mental health crisis. I felt none was there to hear me, and I didn't even want to be heard really, I just wanted to feel like I wouldn't be alone in my struggle, and it felt impossible to feel truly seen in it. Like, life is hard. My mother's failure to make emotional space to recognize what I was going through did a number on me as well, but, sad story, that's a whole other can of worms.

Anyways, I was getting nowhere living at home so I decided at the start of the year to go back to college. I found a condo online with 3 other people who've never met before, and soon enough we were all moved in. Things started off alright at first. I knew I wasn't at my most socially adept state having lived around my non-communicative family for the past few years, so I didn't expect so much to be an instant hit. But I do have good roommate qualities like, I respect their space, I keep to myself, and I don't ask anything of them unless they're infringing on my boundaries. I'm a slow-to-anger sort of person, and I would do anything for these girls if they needed me even when I'm mad. And I think I am fair about cleanliness, although, you know how it can be when we all have different standards.

The juice of this letter is really some annoyingly basic stuff. The past few weeks it seems like everything I do is wrong to them. I'm tired of defending myself at every turn, and feeling like an island amongst these strangers when I'm the only one they don't like and they're all banded together. Am I the one who's in the wrong here? How do you stick up for yourself when you're still finding the means to believe in yourself?
As it's becoming pretty clear we're just a bad match of roommates, how do I move on without carrying some doubt that I'm the bad egg here?

Just as a little context, this bad blood really all started when two of the girls decided to go out and buy some pet guinea pigs. I didn't agree to it, but they bought them without my blessing, and I went along with it at first. but then they started expecting me to clean the cage and take care of them since I was playing with them too (but only when they brought them out), even when they said at first they would take full responsibility.

I may have said 'I'm sorry you can't handle the responsibility when you buy a pet'. In the heat of the argument, but I stand by what I said- it's not my responsibility, and it's not something I want to be apart of. I would apologize if they were kinder on their side, but I mean, you gotta fight fire with fire, or however the saying goes? (I see my mistake here, but I still don't feel like they had a right to get that mad at me)

Things escalated when I came home from work and had to park behind another girls' car. When I asked she said it was alright at first, then the minute before she fell asleep she told me I'd have to move my car before she had to leave the next morning which was too early for me. So I marched up to her room and had her switch spots with me as soon as I read the message, 10 minutes after it was sent. She seemed alright about switching spots but when she went back to her room she started blowing up my phone with how disrespectful it was of me to do that to her, and how she hoped I'd 'sleep like a queen' now that I'd woken her up. I assure you, I didn't.
But I didn't respond to her tirade either, because I stand by the fact of her assuming I'd be willing to wake up that early was just as bad as me 'waking her up'.

Little incidents kept cropping up after this one. She apologized for being rude when she was drunk a week later, but I didn't feel like the full amends were made, since she'd tried to place the blame on another roommate for being a bad go-between when I'd asked about parking. I haven't felt the real need to apologize, since I don't feel comfortable being myself around them in general really.

The thing is, the main girl I've been having a recurring problem with is well liked by the other 2. I feel as if they're in cahoots every time they hang out. I know it sounds bad to be so suspicious, but I've seen them lie to other people about how they're feeling toward that person, and it feels like some mean girls bullshit. I don't want part in it.

I understand my personality isn't the greatest. I prefer to keep to myself most of the time, until I feel safe really, and I open up slowly. these girls don't seem to understand that.
The real thing is I feel constantly sorry. I know I'm still processing the emotional trauma I put myself through living at home, as well as the personal growth I was in the process of before I dropped out. But these girls don't seem sensitive to the way this works, nor should they really, so I don't interact with them really. I recognize I may have a dismissive/anxious-avoidant attachment style and I've been working on this, but in the context of this living situation, I have no desire to be a better person, because their arguments inspire the worst in me when I feel usually like I'm striving to be better.

I don't know how to talk about myself lately without feeling sorry, but I'm trying here. I've realized I don't really want a part in this living situation. I guess I've realized too that it doesn't have to be kindred, it's just a place to live, but I do want a real relationship with the people I live with. I left home looking for a new family, and I haven't found it here.




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