erasing needed filters with alcohol
i haven't written for a few days, because i've felt sort of....floating. like i'm between selves, even tho that probably doesn't make sense to anyone but me. i'm searching in such profound ways to live in a way that i never have, and sometimes it's overwhelming. sometimes it's exciting...i'll get a glimpse of how things could be for "me"....and it's exciting. but the WORK emotionally and mentally will be hard. and being strong enough to deal with how it affects those around me, will be hard. i've never fought for anything for myself. i've often thru my years, fought for those i love in many different aspects. but when it comes to "me"...i just turn true desires into passing thoughts and move right past them, because "hard" means so many more things than just the word implies.
i am a person who has suffered from depression several times in life. i actually believe that it's just something i was born with, like an auto-immune disease that has it's flare ups here and there. there have been times that the things in my life bring it on, but there have also been times, when things seem pleasant and easy, and i'll find myself in dark places. this last journey thru depression was the worst i've yet experienced...lasting just over five years. and it's been damaging in every single aspect of my life....including all my relationships, with my children, husband, friends, and other family members. because that's what happens when you close inward onself and stop being a part of anyone and everything. and it opened the door for everything cam. which of course, brought along it's own bags of light and dark. depression has tentacles that wrap around you and keep you. you lose everything for the duration...however long that is. and then when you begin to get free...you are not sure what it still there. but you have to live with a guilt for something you couldn't even control. most people just don't understand.
i think it's why i have accepted cam for everything that he is...because "I" understand. but with him...i am one of those ones on the outside, shut out and feeling helpless...hurting for what i see fading away like a flickering candle until it's finally distinguished and you have no choice but to wait until it's somehow lit again. i know that's how i've seen and felt it with cam. and that's how my family has seen and felt it with me. what i don't know is why we have to feel BAD for it. we can't control it anymore than we can control the ocean rushing to the shores. but it somehow feels like we are at fault for the way the others hurt because of our depression.
i have felt myself coming out of this last depression for months now. i can actually "feel" it lifting. i've suffered so many bouts in my life, that i recognize when the darkness turns to a fog you can see thru, in order to begin heading toward a light. and that's where i am right now. so...i feel fragile, and alone, and like there is a shitload of work to do, based on all the damage the depression caused. but...i don't want to do THAT work. i want to do a NEW work....on just ME. it's complicated to think of working on repairing relationships when i plan on changing myself...or finding myself...whichever it really is.
which brings me to the first book that i ordered and have begun reading. it's titled "i know i'm in there somewhere". just the title drew me to it. but the description it offers for finding a "self" who's become buried under everyone else's needs...made me purchase it. already i have found lines in the book that speak directly to me, like..."no matter when it life happened, in every case, the easy, natural connection to the self was lost because, time after time, the woman reached out for connection from her inner self, and instead of being mirrored, it was deflected". and deflection is described as "offering a gift of a part of yourself to someone and having that person be unwilling or unable to take it".
that is the beginning of perfect explanations as to how i begin to bury myself. i was never accepted for what i was....whatever that was, because i'm not even sure anymore who or what i was. it's been buried that long. and then the book explains how we begin our own "self deflection" in the ways that we learn to judge, control, and deny our own feelings...knowing they won't be excepted. this slowly shuts off the flow of who we are.
there is a line in a rod stewart song that says, " there's not point in talking, when no one is listening..." and it's what i've brought myself to over the years. and still, even now...i'm pushed back to it, over and over, when i do make some small attempt to share something from inside myself and it's shut down. for instance...
this week, i had an all too similar experience with my husband. we were at a place we go every week for taco tuesday, and the world series was on the big screen, so we were watching. like an idiot, i decided for some reason to share that i’ve been doing research for my book, on definitions and the ways that depression, menopause and mid life crisis all present themselves. as i started to talk about it, he cut me off for a play that was happening in the game. so, i stopped talking and turned to watch the play too. but when it was over, he never turned back to me and said “so…you were saying?” he just never brought it back up. and again....i felt completely “silenced”.
my thoughts, my feelings…they just don’t matter to anyone. and while this isn’t really a new realization, the knowledge of it is just digging deeper and deeper into my soul.
my husband, like many others...would prefer to deny anything that has to do with me behaving in any way that isn't good for him. he'd rather act like my "issues" don't exist or aren't real, all the while berating me for the behaviors my issues cause. it's baffling to feel so UNseen...but it's the truth of it all. and that truth is what causes me to curl more and more inside myself. to not put "me" on anyone, because of how uncomfortable it makes them. nevermind how real the struggle is and what it does to my own well being....or lack there of. so, why work on repairing these relationships with my loved ones who shut me out before i shut them out (tho they'll never see it that way), when i'm only going to change myself and cause them further discomfort? i may as well, just focus on my own self right now...and let them either be along for the ride, or stay in their denial...their choice. not mine. theirs. my learning to accept the self i've denied for way too long, feels more important now than having "their" acceptance. i fear for myself, if i can't come to some sort of self acceptance, so in a way it's a matter of life and death.
but they way he shut me down last week, when i made the rare attempt to open up to him, sent me on one of those self sabotage rides that i'm so good at. we were out...so i drank. i had three glasses of wine....maybe four. and when i drink, i lose all my filters. funny thing is tho...when i lose those filters, it's never to my husband. it's always to cam. always. no matter how much i drink, i've never slipped up and given anything away about my relationship with cam. but i'll always spill EVERYTHING happening inside me or around me to cam. that comes from knowing that he's always "heard me". he's always "seen" me. and so even tho right now, he's not hearing or seeing me, i still reached out to him, in a moment of weakness and alcohol honesty....
i have a google cloud account for pictures, and the account likes to remind of things that happened a year ago on every date. yesterday, for halloween, the memories it steered me to, were of a halloween costume contest held at the place we all go to dance, drink and visit with friends. cam was there that nite, and it was his friend that won the contest. the pictures were of his friend in costume, holding the prize money. but along with that memory, (not in pictures, just in my mind and in the journal we share), was the fact that that nite after the party was over and everyone had gone home, i'd snuck out to be with cam. and a few days before al this even, was a memory of cam being here at my house, working on his car with my husband, and i'd cooked him dinner.
so...thanks to google prompting me to remember this "time" last year, and the glasses of wine i'd had, i reached out to him, as i said. i knew he wouldn't answer, and i started off by pointing that out. but i went on to tell him anyway that these memories had come up and so he was very much on my mind, and i just wanted to share. i also left him some of his own words that he'd left me in the journal during the same time frame, about how much he loved me.
why did i do this? what was the point? what was i hoping to get out of it? i have no answer to any of those questions, other than to just say that i guess i want him to remember things too. i don't want to remember alone?
anyway...i shut things down and forced myself to go to bed, to keep myself from further emotional purging to a person i'm trying to break myself of. and this morning, i thought i would regret that i'd reached out. but i don't. i don't know how i feel tho. part of me is hoping he will answer back at some point. part of me hopes he'll have the strength that i don't...and leave it alone and not respond at all. because that is what would be best for us both. but secretly, am i hoping he's not strong enough to stay away when i reach out? probably.
it seems for any steps i take forward, i always take more backward. that self sabotage thing sucks. so does being addicted to someone you can't have. i'm trying to keep things real with myself, and not deny anything i feel, because that's part of my whole problem...denying my own feelings. but i also have to find a balance, where i don't stay in a feeling that isn't doing myself any good. i've got to learn to give my feelings their space to be felt, and then move on from them too. so that i can keep taking forward steps to get myself where i truly want to be someday.
nothing is easy....except doing nothing.