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2019-10-30 18:26:14 (UTC)

dreadful! but no im good tho

"Oh, the Wind and Rain" by Okkervil River [cover of traditional song]

The miller pulled her out with a fishing hook
Oh, the wind and rain
He pulled that fair maid from the brook
Cried, oh, the dreadful wind and rain

Left her on the bank to dry
Oh, the wind and rain
And a fiddlin' fool come passing by
Cried, oh, the dreadful wind and rain

Out of the woods came a fiddler fair
Oh, the wind and rain
He took several strands of her long yellow hair
Cried, oh, the dreadful wind and rain

And he made a fiddle bow of her long yellow hair
Oh, the wind and rain
He made a fiddle bow of her long yellow hair
Cried, oh, the dreadful wind and rain

And he made fiddle pegs of her little finger bones
Oh, the wind and rain
He made fiddle pegs of her little finger bones
Cried, oh, the dreadful wind and rain

And he made a little fiddle of her breastbone
Oh, the wind and rain
The sound could melt a heart of stone
Cried, oh, the dreadful wind and rain

And the only tune that fiddle would play was
Oh, the wind and rain
The only tune that fiddle would play was
Oh, the dreadful wind and rain

October 30, 2019 Wednesday 6:32 PM

Ugh, this is the album for heartbreak. I always end up listening to it at the start of autumn and that is also the time of year that I am nursing unrequited crushes, lmao. Well, I need to begin the overhaul process, which means I think I need to date. I don't... want to. I don't not want to, it's just that I am really only attracted to Melvin and everyone else is kind of meh. This would be the case even if I weren't attracted to him. But I have to try. It'd do me good, to be less lonely, so that I don't... accidentally Get Weird or something. Nothing strictly happened that made me give up on Melvin, but he didn't really speak to me today (even though he spoke at length to the girl next to him when she asked the SAME question that I asked) and he didn't walk with me either, which I feel like.. is a message. Maybe not in the strict sense, but I think either way an indication that he doesn't care too much about socializing w/ me. So. :((( I'll be honest, that ruined my day a bit. I think what sucks the most, is that I know my crushes last an inordinately long time, lmao. I can't just acknowledge that they like me and move on, I tend to nurse it for at least a year or so. Hopefully next semester I won't see him and all will be well!!! Too bad, he's very cool, beyond the whole feelings thing. But also kind of annoying. Which is probably why I like him. His laugh is so ugly sometimes. I want to say "in a good way." That seems like a betrayal of my new protocol....

Which, okay, I admit I make it sound a lot more methodical and serious than it is. Part of me is excited that I even get the opportunity to have such a formative and universal experience of non-reciprocated love. The other part is annoyed that I am having the experience at all (because, yeah, I think I got the gist from all the sad stories out there, thanks). So I try to amuse myself by being overly scientific about it, as if any of my produced propaganda is going to stick. I'm trying to be like Karina, because for her, it works. It is absurd how seriously she takes herself—but also more than a little admirable. That's how she has made life easier for herself; by taking every problem of hers seriously, and applying herself to a solution. As cool as it feels to recognize that sometimes your problems are trivial, it doesn't really help make them less of a problem. You can ignore it, but then you don't learn and things will still hurt you and you'll recoil from that. And then eventually the problem won't be "trivial" anymore, it'll be a pathology. So. As seriously as I am taking this: in my defense, it makes more sense to acknowledge and deal with these small-scale emotional issues than it does to feel mild heartbreak with the same intensity every single time up until I die. Haha. Something about my drama.... makes me think I've contradicted myself somewhere in there...

Anyway, I have some time on my hands tonight, which I am going to use to bake this acorn squash Nadiya and I found on the ground, lmao. I'm going to write a bit later if I can!!! (or maybe right after I write this). And then I am going to continue playing Oxenfree, which is a REALLY good narrative-focused game. 10/10 recommend. I didn't like it at first (mostly because of the annoying dialogue options—both in interface and content) but it quickly grew on me. Then, I have to continue reading Petersburg by Andrei Bely (pretty good book, if a bit dense). I want to stab myself in the leg a bit. Some days you wake up and you realize a few hours into the day that you're just stupid. Not all the time, but on this particular day. I'm sleep-deprived, but I'm always sleep-deprived. I have no excuse, and yet here it is. I want to run away to Russia, where I'll speak so slowly I'll lack a personality. Everything a textbook question. Скажите мне.... I'll say, пожалуйста...... куда я иду? Куда? Повторите, куда? I'll stand by the metros and keep asking the same questions and I won't know anyone and I won't understand anything and even the sky, too big, and too dark, for too long, I won't understand anymore.

Ahhh, yes. I don't know how I got into that particular spiral but I sure did. This Okkervil river is not helping... Oh!!! On a really good note, on Sunday I went running around the neighborhood and it hurt my lungs and legs and ears and head but it felt so good!!! It was so nice! I love the autumn! I went running again yesterday and it was less enjoyable but still nice. I considered going today because it's misting outside, but I've decided against it because I have a feeling I'll spend the whole time stewing—am I not pretty enough? Skinny enough? I should be running harder, so I can be skinny and perfect... I wish I had bigger boobs, I wish I had a smaller waist, I wish I had a prettier face, I wish my skin was smoother, I wish it were a little darker, I wish my hair weren't so straight, I wish my face wasn't so round, I wish I were smarter, I wish I were a better writer, I wish I were a more active person, I wish I could talk in a normal way, I wish...—

...and I don't need to feed my own angst. Because god knows I already starved myself all day today (don't worry, I just had a couple slices of pizza and like I said: acorn squash. I still can't believe I just found it on the ground under a sapling by the margin of the sidewalk... is it poisoned??? Are we gonna die). Maybe I will go running. I inadvertently played on my own insecurities, lmao...

But no, I don't want to make running into a non-fun thing. Wait, but I don't think I can go running tomorrow... Ok I might go tonight. I'll try to avoid thinking too hard if I do go. God... I need to distract myself first.

Ok off to go write actual fiction instead of nonsensical, angsty ramblings~~


Mom texted a picture of one of the cats. He is adorable. Family texted a picture of grandma pointing to her childhood home on google maps. Also lovely, although I hate looking at those kinds of things. I don't want to see my grandma if I can't be there. Does that make sense? I feel guilty thinking that. But it hurts me. And it hurts me that I am so self-absorbed about this. Which in turn.. Well, you get it. I should just heart react the photo and get on with it. Jesus, the modern age. Imagine in fifty years, having to footnote "heart react"—explain in the margins that it was a way of responding to a thing known as a "text," a form of instant messaging reliant on phone signals, etc. etc........

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