Broken Glass Park
Some Stoicism, Tears & Frivolous Innocent Fun
I said that today would be rough and I was correct. I hope I get more sleep tonight. It's hard for me to even want to go to sleep. I'm so restless.
I was so irritated all day at everything and everyone. I managed to stay calm most of the day, though. I used to have quite a temper, but I've gained good control over it over some time. I just became sick of being angry all the time. Anger can be addicting, though. It can give you energy, but it's such a dark energy, itself, that it eventually drains you and that is the thing to remember.
You can't immediately become like a Vulcan or a Buddhist Monk or anyone else real or not, who is serene. And actually, it might not be best to be fully like those people. Emotions are a good thing, if they are well controlled. Especially sadness, I've found, oddly enough. If you can't help, but feel sad, better to feel sad than angry. Better to cry a lot than throw an angry fit or fly into a rage. Crying is so cleansing. I know there are productive ways to release anger, but I would just rather feel it as little as possible. And so I've become stoic, but not as much as I possibly can (since I wouldn't be able to do it 100%, anyways because no one can ever be perfect), but simply as much as I want to be. And I tend to find myself leaning more towards that (stoicism) than sensibility and intense emotion.
In other words, to compare this to one of my favorite books, which I recently finished reading again, Sense and Sensibility, I have become more like the sister who has sense (rationality and logic), as opposed to the one who has sensibility (extreme passion and emotion - basically she lets her emotions dictate her life and I used to be like that!).
Of course, it is one of the most emotional times of my life. My husband just passed. That's specifically why I turn far more to sense now than sensibility. Besides that, my passion, desire and dreams have been killed. I still get fun, little crushes, but they are innocent and mere diversions to help me from being in way too much pain. I mean, they barely help, but it's always been my crutch, even now. Thank God, I'm completely sensible about it now and see it for the absolute frivolity that it is!