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2-18-19: The War
This is what it's like to not be a virgin! Yeah.
So how are you? Good.
- How are you? - Good! good! It was good! Right? I can honestly say, the best I've ever had.
Was I good? Were you good? Donna, you know how my mom's all over my back to write thank you notes and I never do, well, trust me, you're getting a thank you note.
We better get back downstairs before people start wondering where we are.
Oh! And we're gonna need a cover story, so yeah, let's just tell 'em all we had sex.
No! Yeah, I know, I'm kidding, uh we'll say we went out for ice, because we needed to cool down from having sex! Maybe I should do the talking.
Yeah, well, you know, try to work it in somewhere that we had sex, in conversation, if it comes up.
Gra-uh-gracefully! See Fez, you take all the partially consumed drinks, and mix 'em together to combine one giant über drink! In this case, Torn Wallbanger Bloody Sunrise on the Beach! Kelso, have you been avoiding me? You kidding me? I'm right here, aren't I? It's just that ever since I threatened to tell Jackie about the two of us, you've seemed distant.
Laurie, that's just crazy, all right? You blackmailing me has just brought us closer together.
Hey, there kids, where've you two been? God, Dad can't we be gone for a minute without you making all sorts of accusations? I mean, god, it was just a minute! To be fair, Donna, it was a little more than a minute.
Jackie: Donna, one of your drunken uncles is touching me.
Oh my god.
Jackie: Oh my god! We need to talk.
Right now! What? Yay, my first paycheck from Price Mart! The dark times are over, Kitty! Oh, honey, those weren't dark times, it was an economic segue! Well, it's over.
We should celebrate! Come on, Kitty, let's get you pregnant! Red! I'm kidding! You know I can barely stand the kids we have! You know what we should do? Treat ourselves to something nice.
I know! We can turn on the heat! Jackie: All right.
Tell me everything.
Jackie: Come on, Donna, we're supposed to be friends.
Aren't we friends? Well, yeah.
Jackie: Ok, then.
What'd it look like? Jackie! Jackie: Ok, we'll come back to that one.
So how was it? Jackie, I don't really wanna talk about it.
That bad, huh? No, no, no.
It was great.
It just wasn't what I expected.
I don't think we did it right.
Jackie: So Eric's not good? It was more like like neither of us was good.
It's not up to the woman to be good.
I dunno, Jackie.
I mean, I love Eric, but when the moment came, it was just like, awkward.
I dunno, I just felt so far away, you know.
But go on! I mean, during it I just remember thinking, you know, this it it? This is what everyone Jackie: Everyone what? That's as far as I got.
See, that's the problem.
That's not the problem.
Jackie: Oh, trust me, that's a problem.
Ok, you know what Jackie? Everything's fine.
Just don't tell anyone about this, ok? Ok.
Ok? Ok! Eric and Donna had sex? Jackie: Yeah, yeah.
And Eric wasn't good at it.
That's great! TV: And I would've gotten away with it, too.
If it wasn't for those darn kids.
Oh, I love the Scooby Doo.
Forman, what the hell are you grinning about? What? A guy can't grin? I think that maybe Forman and Donna finally made the beast with two backs.
The Backasaurus? So? Well, Hyde, I'm not saying yes, and I'm not saying no, but I'm especially not saying no.
Thank god, man, I'm telling you, I couldn't deal with one more week of that will they, won't they crap.
What's going on? Donna made Forman a man.
Oh, yeah, she did.
How was it? Well boys I tell ya.
It was as if, in that one magic moment, the two people, Donna and Eric, ceased to exist.
And were replaced instead by one perfect being.
Eric, you're saying it was good? Kelso, was Michaelangelo's creation of Adam good? Yes, Kelso, it was good.
So, well, my first time, Jackie called me the Apollo rocket of love.
What kind of rocket were you? Where're you going with this, Kelso? Nowhere.
'CEPT JACKIE SAID YOU WERE TOTALLY LAME IN THE SACK!!! Jackie said?!? Yeah.
Donna told Jackie and Jackie told me.
Oh! But you can't tell Jackie I told you 'cause she'd get pissed.
It's okay, Eric.
Maybe sex isn't your thing.
Almost there! Oh, I can't wait to see what we got! Oh, you're gonna love it! Are you ready? Uh-huh! Ta-da! A motorcycle? Don't you love it? Of course I do, Red.
What woman wouldn't? Oh, you hate it.
Of course I do, Red! What woman wouldn't? Red, I thought, I thought we would get something we both would enjoy, like a, a necklace! But this is much better than a necklace! How? Well, it's not a stupid necklace! But it's shiny! - Hey! - Hey.
So what's new? Well, turns out I'm really lame in the sack, what's new with you? W-what? Oh, it's all the news.
Jackie told Kelso and, Kelso told all of us, so, sorry I'm "lame in the sack.
" I never said that.
I said it felt awkward and weird.
What a relief.
You could've told me! How am I supposed to tell you something like that? I don't know, how 'bout, hey Eric, you're awkward and weird! You know what? That's the problem.
We did this really huge thing and now I feel like I can't even talk to you about it! Well, god knows you can talk to Jackie.
I knew this was gonna happen.
What? I knew that once we did this, everything would change, and damned if it didn't.
Well, if that's the way you feel about it, maybe we should never do it again.
Great! Oh great.
Look how good I look on it.
Hey! We could get matching jackets.
You know how you love things that match! Red, what were you thinking? Oh, come on, Kitty! You know the last thing I bought for myself? A hose.
Well, I'm sorry, but we can't afford it.
What do you mean? I'm working again.
But we still have to get outta debt.
And we have to pay for Eric's college and we got, we got Laurie's wedding and, and you know whoever she ends up with is not gonna be any Rockefeller! Ah, I suppose you're right.
Well at least let's take one ride on it before we bring it back? Ok, fine.
Oh, that feels nice.
Oh! That feels very nice! Jackie: Michael, how could you? What'd I do? Jackie: Michael, I didn't tell you about Eric's sad dilemma so you could make fun of him.
I told you so you could help him.
Well Jackie, I can't help him and burn him at the same time.
Uh, I mean come on, Jackie, it's funny! And he must have been really bad.
- Jackie: Yeah well, so were you.
- Uh! All right Jackie, I don't think you know what you're saying.
Ok, 'cause you called me your Apollo rocket of love.
But I said it like, Oh, Michael, you're a regular Apollo rocket of love.
Ok, I don't hear a difference.
Jackie: Eric, if it makes you feel any better, Michael was really bad his first time, too.
(From van) Uh! Oh, that's supposed to make me feel better? Jackie: Doesn't it? Yeah, a little.
Thanks Jackie! Forman, I've been thinking about your problem with Donna.
And after hours of serious consideration it still makes me laugh.
Ya leave Eric alone.
All right? He's our friend.
And he needs our help, in this his most desperate hour.
I'm with yo, buddy, Semper Fi! Gee, Kelso, why the sudden change of heart? Oh, Maybe it's because the "Apollo rocket of love" blew up all over the launch pad? Whoa ho ho, a mystery! One suitable for Scooby Doo and his gang of cartoon teenagers! You know guys, sometimes I wish we were cartoon teenagers.
That'd be super, Fez.
If god had meant for virgins to lose it to other virgins, he wouldn't have given us middle-aged hookers, man! Amen, brother! Because if there's one thing men like us know, it's how to have sex.
Oh, I cannot live with this lie.
Everyone prepare to be shocked! I, Fez, am still a virgin.
Gosh, my world no longer makes sense.
Fine Hyde, but, now that the middle-aged hooker ship has sailed, what am I supposed to do? Well, I know I got a lot better when I started making it with your sister.
I got it! You should make it with my sister! Kelso, I've seen your sister.
She's a virgin, and she's gonna be.
For a long time.
All right, what are you saying? Well I think he's saying, moooo.
Ok, maybe you did not hear me.
Fez, the man you all revere, has still not had sex.
Yeah, heard you the first time.
Forman, you've gotta figure out what you're doing wrong, man.
You know what women call guys who are lame in the sack? Just friends.
Yeah, but you can't let the pressure get to you.
I mean, don't think about how embarrassing it'd be if you tried and you couldn't.
And she'd stare at you with those cruel black eyes, as if to say you're not really a man, Michael! You're not a man at all!!! Oh kay, well, this has been, really helpful guys.
All right, you called my bluff.
I am not really a virgin, heh heh.
Yes I am.
- All right, fun's fun.
Time to take it back.
No? No, I like it, I wanna keep it.
But you said yourself, we gotta save money for the kids! Oh, screw the damn kids.
Oh, Red, I have worked double shifts all year, I deserve this.
I want my hog.
You know, Laurie might not even get married.
Maybe Eric'll get a scholarship to college.
Oh, hell, he might be too stupid to even get in college! Well, Red, we can only hope! Ok, so just out of curiosity, no reason, what was your first time like? Oh, my first time was with a guy named your father.
My first time was with this guy named Darren.
It was really special! Oh no, wait.
It wasn't Darren, it was Robert? I think, Robert! Well, um, Red and I waited until after we were married.
Like, five seconds after we were married.
We said, to heck with the receiving line and hit the nearest closet! Oh, I remember running my hands through his long blonde hair and listening to his beautiful British accent.
You see, because, back then your father was blonde and British! No, no no no, not Robert.
There was this guy what was his name? Or was it his brother? It'll come to me.
Good god, that dress must've had a hundred buttons down the back, but Red got it off in no time! You wouldn't know it to look at him but Red's got very nimble fingers.
Nimble! I just remember it was very disappointing.
And I never saw that guy again.
I mean, your father.
I mean, you father was the first.
Don't tell your father, ok? I wanna say Billy.
But that's not right.
Anyway, I just remember that he wasn't very good.
And it was just wonderful.
Here's the deal.
Do you have any Rolaids? uh, I've been thinking, about what we said, about us not doing it again, and uh, I've decided that's just crazy talk.
But Eric, we did it and now everything's a mess.
See, Donna, everything you and I do is a mess.
I mean, face it, we're just a couple of goons here.
The first time we kissed, the first time we went out The first time I let you get to second.
Wait, what'd I do wrong then? God, it was like you were tuning a radio.
Ok, but, do I still do that? - No.
And the kissing? Has that gotten better? Yeah, like a zillion times better.
And, Donna, you know why those things got better? Becausewekinda care about each other and we talk and, we make things work.
Yeah, but what if it doesn't work? And then not only does it not work, but we don't have what we used to have? Donna, we will.
We love each other, right? So, trust me.
It can only get better.
Ok, so, I guess what you're saying is, we need practice.
And lots of it! Yes! So? Yeah, it was a little better.
A little better? I am the king!
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