miss mess

midlife implosions
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2019-10-29 16:47:30 (UTC)

just tuesday thoughts

cam began a new job today. how do i know this? he left a message in "our journal".

i did not respond. i do not trust myself to say anything without saying too much. i am still hurting too much and need to let the pain have it's time to abate. just seeing his entry, was like little volts of electricity. shock, surprise, even joy. i wonder if i will always be so affected by "anything" of him? i'd like to say no, because it's like a rise and crash all at once. but if i don't always have these strong reactions to him, to me it would seem that it wasn't as real as it has been. i don't know.

i am happy for him. this is something he has wanted and needed for a long time, and could very well be the first steps in attaining many other things he wants. i wish him, only the very best, cause i love him so damn much.

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yesterday i took the first small steps in trying to unravel myself and figure out what i want and where i want to be. i ordered some books on "finding self" and "self worth/validation". one of them arrives today...the other two tomarrow.

months ago, my therapist helped me see that i was suffering three different major things at once. mid life crisis, menopause, and depression. i didn't put much stock, at the time, into her diagnosing me this way....i just kept going to see her and working thru what i could work thru and try to find a way out of a darkness that felt....infinite. i am not out of the darkness, but it is beginning to feel more like a fog, in terms of sometimes i can see thru it? sometimes i see a light at the end of the tunnel. that was not the case for the better part of the last five years. i feel a little bit like i'm coming back into my own body after having left it for such a long time, and now i'm "seeing" things. so, yesterday...i looked up all three things that my therapist told me i was dealing with...and you know what? i'm lucky to be here. each one of those issues on their own, is hell. but to fight them all at once....it's no wonder i have often truly felt that i was crazy and just needed to....not exist. reading it all...has given me a soft spot (so to speak) for myself...for what i've gone thru. i have a strange desire to be gentle with "me"....to find compassion for "me"...and to love myself into the next chapter of my life. i do not know if i am capable of all those things. i'm not good at being good to "me". i'm great at screwing things up for myself...all that self sabotage stuff. so, this is new territory. i don't have the faith i need in myself....so, i hope these books that are coming, have something in them that i can find motivation to get behind.


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