miss mess

midlife implosions
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2019-10-28 19:58:51 (UTC)

so...so...tired

i guess with any/most addictions...when you give them up, and try to be free of them, you have no choice but to face the things that you were using the addiction to escape from.

in the midst of my affair with cam...i pretty much shut all else out. my focus was very zeroed in. its frightening actually to see things in hindsight. to look back and see how tuned out of my own life i've been. when i aimed to escape the hard things in my life...i REALLY escaped! it's like i left....like i was gone for a while. no matter where i was physically, my mind and heart have been with him, and so it always seemed that i sat in rooms full of people at times, but i wasn't really there. i was alone with my thoughts...or with him in thought. again, it's frightening to see how all consumed i was.

but now...i don't have him. this "getting over him" has been hell. in all my years, no one has touched me quite like him...both inside and out. even tho it's over, he is a part of me and will remain so forever. i struggle with taking it all back....just reaching out to him and telling him i change my mind...i don't want to be without him. i need him...i love him. but....

as fucked up as it is...it's the only right thing to do. we chose the wrong way for way too long and it was beautiful and i will never be sorry. but...for it to continue on, will take too much from him, which will ultimately ruin us anyway. it's better this way. maybe someday he will hold his own child and be able to understand that it was better because he would not have that baby otherwise. maybe he'll think of me and smile with understanding and not always hate me for letting him down. maybe he'll see that i was giving him his dreams and not taking them away.

however it ends up...the "here and now" really sucks.

my last entry, was written drunk. i came home last nite, after several drinks watching the sunday nite football game, and for whatever reason i was just full of things that needed to be expressed. some days i feel like i feel nothing. other days, i feel so full of emotions that i fear i will implode on myself. anyway, i only vaguely remembered that i came here and wrote, so this morning, i came to see what i wrote. and it sort of blew me away. alot of people think that when someone is drunk they say things they don't mean. i don't believe that and never will. i think all your guards are down, and the honest stuff comes out. and my words were an eye opener for myself. i've been in this inner struggle to "find myself" for a while now, and reading the words i didn't remember writing, sort of felt like that "inner me" calling me out.

cam made me realize so many things about how i've let myself be last on every totem pole in my life, and how i matter more than that. he made me believe that i even DESERVED to have my own needs considered and met. he gave me these beautiful visions of a "me" who was content and happy and peaceful, in ways that i've never been....all because i'd stop living the roles others expected of me, and begin to live for myself. they were sweet visions that ultimately became something i wanted more than anything else. i want to be authentic. i want to live my truths and stop burying them because others don't find them worthy. and partly in tribute to cam for showing me some of my truths....going forward for me, needs to be about truth. my own.

yes...cam was a way of being validated in ways i've always felt i needed. but he gave me so much more than that validation. and i want to use what he brought out in me...to live my best life. my children are grown...i do not have to be what they need or expect anymore. they may not like the changes i feel coming, but...it's way past time. i don't want to be anyone else's "someone" anymore. the deep depression that brought about the affair and the things that have come from the affair...have all felt like an incredible darkness with bits of beautiful light....and i've been stumbling thru it all for way too long.

so now...all this time without cam (over a month now, so still very fresh and painful), and the one thing i do notice, is that i'm becoming aware of my life and my surroundings in a crazy vivid way. it's like coming thru a tornado, and now seeing all the destruction that needs to be cleaned up. he was my addiction...and he was all that mattered. now the rest is here again, because i don't have him to dull it any longer. and it's time to face things and clear some sort of path for myself to begin a new...healthier journey.

i expect hard days still. i'm not dumb enough to think that because today, at this moment, i feel a bit of strength....now it's only downhill from here. i know better. there are gonna be hellish uphill days. but i can't stay frozen in this unhappy place anymore. i have to begin some forward steps...toward myself. i need to face the things that hurt so much. i need to see what i'm made of instead of fearing it's not enough or worthy enough. i need to find out. i want to believe that i do truly deserve to be happy. when you never believe it...you don't reach for it, cause the disappointments are too hard to handle. i've kept myself from happiness...because i've not believed that i deserve it. it's time i try to change that around...even if i'm not really sure how to start doing that. self sabotage is lonely and destructive...and i've lived it like a pro. but i don't want to anymore. i'm so tired.


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