so fucked up
all of my life....i have gone from one man to another. there has been a search happening....that....not even "I" understood. but....what have i been searching for?
there is a huge theory....about girls having "daddy issues". and i guess i would fall into that therory.....in terms of, you always want to be accepted in a way that you never were. meaning....if you never felt loved by your father....there is a doubt that grows in you...that you are UNlovable. and so, you set out...to BE loved.
which means...that you aim to be whatever someone else wants. because whoever you "were" wasn't lovable already. you have to be MORE. when you talk to any "male"...you tune into what "HE" wants. what appeals to "HIM". what "HIS" desires are. and you mold yourself. but....most relationships will still fail, no matter how hard you try, because if you aren't real to yourself...how can you be real to ANYONE?
the thing is...it's takes a while to figure out, that you aren't being "real". it takes a while to figure out that you've lost yourself, trying to be what others want or need. and all because....you want love and acceptance that you never got, to begin with. it's a twisted, fucking nitemare.
and then there is the way that it will show on you, that you don't figure out for years too. for me, it manifests itself in food. you eat for comfort...and many people don't understand this. but imagine, trying to feel "FULL". yet nothing you eat gives you that....so you just keep eating. it's not "FOOD FULL" that you are reaching for. but...you don't know the difference yet. you don't understand that you are reaching to "FILL" yourself in ways that will never fill you...because food canNOT fill what you are missing. nor can drugs, or acohol, or men or any kind of validation that you think you are getting from them.
so what's the fucking answer????? what will make me feel full and help me stop indulging in all the bad things that only make me feel empty?
the answer to my own question at the top of this entry..."what am i searching for?" it's "ME". i'm searching for me. i have been lost and buried for so long, that i've come to believe i can only find myself thru validation of others. even tho that validation is always short lived or doesn't come at all. because others can't give it to me. i have to give it to myself. and how does one go about doing something like that, when you don't know where to begin without others? when you KNOW, you must figure it out alone.