All that is
almost had me
there are some guys who think that they fully broke my heart. as in they probs entertain the idea or thought that they were my 'one that got away'. like tayo for e.g. Although to be fair when it came to tayo i ended up being so into him that the fact of his being yoruba no longer mattered. not that i was opposed to dating a yoruba person but igbos always held a certain familiar charm for me that i found sexy and unparalleled by any other ethnic group. and as i got to lagos, and met more and more igbos and yorubas and other ethnicities, their differences became more and more pronounced in my mind, the once loosely held biases that i had based on qualities i thought id picked up going by the few yoruba people i'd met through family fucntions and friends of friends, became clearer and were now based on genuine, interactions id had with many of them. and vice versa with igbos. in my mind igbos are softer, more thoughtful, more refined, had better taste, more creative, more resourceful, more attractive more respectful towards women, more sincere, spoke more sweetly language wise. in my min yorubas were more abrasive, their language aggressive, more 'bush', less progressive, more razz, less sincere, their women more problematic, more jealous, more dangerous, they were the 'jamaicans of nigeria', i'd say. Here, i literally 'fear' yoruba women a little - i'm always careful never to get too close, and more watchful.
without digressing despite these intial thoughts, (and although at the time tayo and i were dealing with each other, my opinions about yorubas had not fully matured, i was already entertaining them) i still liked him terribly. if he'd said let's go out, id have said yes. why did i like him so much? and im asking this quetsion as i think there may be something useful to learn from all the people i've ever dated/hooked up with or at least had more than a fleeting infatuation for - in studying what it was that drew me to them there may be something worth pulling out that'll help me navigate the course of my next interactions. i'll continue.
also tayo was half yoruba, half edo, so there was something differnt there to balance it i felt.
He lived in this big beatufiul million pound cottage looking house. i think his sister was on to us though. onto me.
I keep digressing. i was supposed to be talking about how he probs thinks he really screwed me over. but the truth is, though he did slightly, i was sort of prepared for it. plus at the time, i was going through this frienemies with benefits type situation with LMJ.
- you have a callous side to you. Like you treat those who would ever take the time to find out who you are, sincerely, treat them like punching bag, making causalites out of innocents.
- by Monday last week 21st oct, i already knew it was his bday on thurdsy coming up. i also knew that by or before then i would initiate contact with him for the first time in three months. that was a big deal considering how 'good id been'. and i knew it was gonna happen it was just a matter of how and when and under what guise. eventually i settled on the 'help a damsel in distress' route. call him up asking him to help with something that only he could, and to help me save the day. i was looking to move from my current place and needed some good options for apartments, i told him. and so i did. quite unexpectedly - i pressed dial and let it linger for a second or two too long so i couldn't hang up otherwise th call woudld most likely register. he answered after the second ring. 'Where did you see me?" he started with, laughing. I responded with a giggle myself before the phone hung up by itself. within seconds he'd called back. i stared at my screen, savouring the sight of his caller ID appearing on my screen. then i answered careful not to leave it too long - with him, any sign of rejection from your end, was total rejection. so i answered. long and short, we greeted, i could hear the giddiness in his voice, as he could probably hear in mine. he tries to act the whole suave thing but since i made it a mission of mine, involuntarily to study him for the better part of six months, i'm onto him and can read his expressions. i told him of my predicament, the challenges of finding a house as an unmarried woman in lagos etc etc. he responded in kind, and very kindly saying he could put in touch with this and that, and then todl me about a nice place he just saw that was within my budget in lekki v close to his house, saying hed send me pics and adding that whenever i wanted to see it, i could just let him know and he could just come by. 'he could just come by' being the desired response. so with that, i said thank you and asked him to send me the photos. we kept talking for a few more mins the connection woudl drop and each time hed call me back. then on the last leg of our conversation, he was greeting someone on his end it sounded like and he asked me to pause for a second on the phone withouth hearing if my response was yes or no. in the past i would have done but this time around i found it disrespectful considering he had no idea whether i was tkaing time out a busy day to call him. i obliged for about 8 seconds (probably 10 if im being brutally honest with myself) and he kept on talking to this person. i decided to hang up, 70 percent thinking hed call me back and the other 30 percent also not caring whether or not he did. i was surprised at myself too. at my composure. that i had just had a conversation witha . guy i was brutally, unhealthily infatuated by for the better part of this year, and who caused me enormous heartache, and i had breezily hung up, and not felt much beyond the intial mild anxiety that is expected when aboutt to speak ti someone of such significance as far as your emotional and spiritual growth. he then texted me with the photos of the place he mentioned. one thing i must say though, he'd described this place as being minted and so gorgeous - i even got excited. but when i saw the photos, one thing was for sure. this nigga doesn't have taste as good as he thinks he does. it was disappointing slightly. but also sobering as it dawned on me that this may be the first of more of what was to come. The straightening out of other such delusions that i'd had about him. more disappointing revalations that pointed at the fact he was not who id built him up to be. that there was a gaping gap between who projected himself to be, versus who he actually was. but more importantly, who he himself knew he wasn't. what i can't figure out is whether he valued you less for playing along with his charade or whether he valued you less for seeing him for who he truly was and liking him all the same anyway. i feel like i danced between the former and latter. depending on how generous or amorous i felt. i remember at times feeling that gap between his two personalities, like an elephant in the room and choosing to ignore for fear of hurting is fragile ego. To put it unkindly, there was a clumsiness about his performance that was a little cringe-inducing.
I believe that he loathed that side of himself. and loathed himself effectively in a way. the side he felt was lacking, and inadequate and didn't hold up. I also believe that he saw some of that aspirational quality in me, that trying to project a certain image, clumsily at times and missing, and he loathed it too. it would explain why he treated me so callously.
And so he said that his conatct said i could come by whenever. i said ok, he shoud letme know when. although a part of me did hope that he would come by. and, i thought to myself it would be agreat way to test whehter he still had any sort of intention of seeing me. so i agreed to view that evening. but i didn't hear from him anymore, despite senidng a message to ask. then he messaed later at night saying he had to run errands etc. that the guy said i could ocme anytime tomorrow. so tomorrow i respond saying 'great i can do 7pm - let me know the address' but 7pm comes and i dont hear from him nor does he send me an address. so i leave it. im not gonna beg him. he was the one who suggested this to me afereall. so the next moringi i'm off sick that day it's now a thursday. and he messages me saying that he would come and make the introduction between him and but i go to this viewing anyway. he messaged in the mornig saying how about 5pm. i was low-key deligted. my plan would come to fruition. believe it or not, despite all my personal growth over the past few months, i was still entertaining the idea that he wanted to see me on his bday, and that when we did this viewing he and i would sheepishly catch up with one another, low key flirting until we felt the ground steady enough to crack jokes, me giving him grief in jest, reminding him of the way he treated (i have no idea why i would even thnk of making light of his behaviour). and then eventually him inevitably coming out with 'it's low key my birthday.' i would gasp all surprised, giving an oscar worthy performance and hug him, maybe even give him a peck on the cheek depending on the temperature of our interaction so far. Then i would suggest - no, insist - that i take him out for bday drinks that very evening. no would not be answer. he would begrudgingly but affectionately oblige, his expression softening into a smile or an expression that spoke of distant but passionate memories of the two of us. a knowing look that said 'all that's happened is water under the bridge, my guard is down now. i would choose rsvp because service was good and the staff will sing happy birthday if told to do so at dessert. we would have a few drinks, i would find a way to distract him or instruct the staff when he had gone to the bathroom, and then when dessert was served, they would bring it out with sparklers and candles and bells and whistles. they would sing happy birthday, he'd be embarassed slightly as expected but woudl be so tenderly touched by my simple, thoughtful yet spontaneous gesture that he'd have no choice but to carve out a bigger place for me to occupy in his heart/life. this is how my mind had planned it out. it was going to be perfect.
So when i leave my house that evening i look the bomb. wearing denim shirt on denim jeans, my hair did, make up dewy, smelling divine, glowing, supple... . i was so excited for him to see me after so long. i get there before him and park inside waitng in my taxi - he tell sme he's still at the toll gate. it's a good 15 mins i wait for him to arrive. eventualy my phone goes off. he asks 'where are you?' i tell him im inside. he says oh ok, he's just pulling in. i see the gateman move to open the gate, it swings open and i see his mercedes benz pull into the compoound. the sight of it. it had been a while. the colour was not what i remember, and hte model wasn't as sexy as i remember. basically it wasn' t as nice as i remember. it could be thought htat since his episode in my life, during my phases of unravelling, id noticed almost every single mercedes benz i now saw and in such detail, that by the time i saw his, i no longer thought it was that special. still nice though, just didnt send vibes straight to my pussy the same way it had done in the past. but that thought was just for a fleeting moment. then i paused waited for him to get out his car. as he opened the door, i noticed movement on the passenger side of his car. i saw a light skinned girl, kind of pretty looking from what i could tell just by seeig her profile. and already i could feel the fantasy evening i'd so thoughtfully planned out, slipping from me. as he got out of the car, so did this lady. by her demeanor and vibe i could see immediately that she was not his relative and was an interested party. there was a certain giddiness and newness to the way she bounced out of the car, the novelty of coming out of a mercedes still tickling her i imagine. the smile that was permanently plastered on her face like there was a joke that she had just emerged from. i addressed him first with a big smile 'heyyyy, it's been ages!', as warmly and sincerely as i could muster, given this disturbing turn of events, and reaching out to hug him. he hugged me back, pulled away and quickly introduced us both with quick hand gestures - "my name, her name, her name, my name". and there it was. her name began with an S. sengeti or somethig or other. it sounded east african, like ethipian or eritrean. she was pretty and naturally so. she didn't have african features. she wore a top that showed her shoulders and army green skinny jeans that showed her figure, which by the way was the classic S shape typilaly seen in women of east/northern african descent. wide hips, large ass, narrow waist, very feminine smooth skin, desirable nose. she had a way that when she smiled her eyes crinkled, in that child-like way, like my frined olive. i could see how a girl that looked like her would attract tby, or any other guy for that matter. that mix of feminine sexiness cos of her lumps in all the right places, and child-likeness. like i say she was pretty but not to the point of making me feel any type of way. cos me i know i held my own down. she barely spoke much or at least i didn't hear her speak much or maybe i blocked it out. but she sounded not from aroudn here . she sounded britihs actually. so i suspect she was just visitng. someone he met along his travels maybe? an old frined from uk? his ex? either way she seemed oblivous as to the real reason why she was meeting me. but i'llget to that. we head inside and wait at the reception desk, i, still quietly holding it together from this ambush. at the reeption desk he and i make small talk 'how have you been?' me asking 'where are tou coming from?' he rresponds by turning to her and repeating my question - 'where are we coming from?' she responds coyly, with that same smile '..Eko hotel' and then he turns back to me as and repeats 'Eko hotel'. looks back at her and says 'we just went for pizzas (she's still smiling at him, starry eyed), then turns to me and says 'it's low-key my birthday' (lol motherfucker as if i didn't already know. he told once when we were riding to H-factor in a taxi and i've remembered it ever since.). At this point, it's now dawned on me that what's happening is really happening. that the boy i was in love with or infatuated by, is brazenly rubbing his attractive new squeeze (or whatever) in my face. can you imagine. just when i thought he couldn't reach for lower blows.
why? i believe that after some thought he probably decided to come for a number of possibly reasons:
- what better bday present for himself than to rub in my face his new squeeze. Although i do strongly believe that this was two pronged. to pique her curiosity by hinting at what he might have had before her, or what was still in the picture, in case she was doing small shakara for him. and then to show me who he was currenty spending time with.
- his 'lovi-dovi-ness' act was so performative though. the constant laughing at 'in' jokes.
- I console myself by thinking, and probably correctly too, that for him to go to the trouble of doing that, i must have hurt him at some point withouth even knowing how much. perhaps it wast he night was met at south and spent the whole night making out but then i left him blue balled that pissed him off. or the night before that when he texted me 'hey up to much' and i didn't respond. or the fact that i hadn't shown any attention his way for months. i don't know. but something happened that made him feel the need to do this. or else he's just a petty human being. and that kind of sucks too. for him. if at 32 youre still doing tit for tat, even worse, at imagined slights? and on your bday? instead of doing things that point to growth and enlightenment. if i were in a happy relationship with someone id just started seeing, i wouldnt dream of bringing them near someone id banged in the past, unless i wnated to illicit some kind of reaction.
- one thing was clear when i got there. there was no need for him to 'make an introduction' he could just as easily sent me the guys number and told the guy i was a good friend to treat me well etc. but he chose to come. on his bday.
- perhaps he was trying to impress her by showing how much power he had - here was a girl who was looking to rent a property of 4-5 mil and he was the one who was making the connection. basially there was no reason for him to be there othere than to feed his ego/projected image. he's a certified narcissist or sociopath. probably both.
How did i handle it? i stuck to the practicalities of what we were there for. asked the reception staff questions about the area, the building, asked about three times 'how people stay here?' what kinds of people? let me see this room and that room. how much is two bed? where was the swimming pool? did all the rooms look the same? etc all the while konwing that i had no intention of taking this place. but then again, as if i didnt alrady know it from before i contacted him. i kciked myself silently for walking into his trap. how could i hand it to him this easily? how could i think that he'd be any different? when someone shows you who they are, eblieve them. i stayed in control of the situation, participating in chat with him here and there, and then when i could see them talking to each other, strategically redirecting my attention back to matters concerning the inspection of the aparment, pointing at things, mouldy spots in the ceiling, remarking at the size of the apartments bedroom or living room etc.
All the while, i was kicking myself for having not asked my uber driver to wait for me, and for not anticipating a situation. so i frantically ordered my uber, dreading the thought of having him or 'them' wait for me while he gave his best shot at playing new love with her.
at one point, and this was the point that i think bothered me the most, simply because it suggested a closeness or familiarness between them that. his phone rang, and he started singing 'happy brithday to you...happy birthday to you' to whoever was on the phone, and then said 'haha i just wanted to confuse you for a minute there' he did this in front of me, but then walked back to her as she was sitting on a chair behind me. and said 'wait wait dami, there's someone here who wants to say hello to you' and he passed her his phone. for a second i feel like i saw her reach up to gesture/ask to speak to whoever was on the phone. Luckily my back was turned to this interaction and i pretended to make convo with the receptionist. so for all he knows i saw nothing and only heard a little. but the truth is that i watched it all happen through the reflection of a large picture frame on the wall of the reception desk in front of me.
When his contact came back down to give me his phone number i took it thanked him and went out
The next day while i waited at th doctors i received a text from him 'Hey'. Just that. When after 8 mins nothing else followed, i decided breezily (and probably wanting to belive that the previous day's menage a trois meeting had no affected this new ease interaction that i liked to think he and i were starting to draw), I repsonded with 'hey whats good'. and as i opened our chat, i saw that he was typing. it looked like he was already typing before i even responded. but as soon as my response dropped on his end, he stopped typing and disapperaed offline. he never responded at least not yet. tell me, what kind of person does that if you're not playing at something? let the nigga play on his own.
A few things told me that he was putting on the happy happy lovey act to a certain degree though. at one point when we were goin up stairs and she was behind him, she stopped, waiting for him to go first and he said to her, 'after you'. that's not something that couples who have been seeing each other for a bit do. like if your nigga is the type to hold a door open for you or to allow you to pass first, you'll know that by about the 5th date, and would just do it. you wouldn't be second guessing.
The other thing is that when i left the building after saying bye to his contact, i was walking across the compound to get to my uber, and he was just absent-mindedly trailing behind me, literally like he was following me out the compound, walking past his benz, while making some non-conversation with the girl he was with. he walked a little ahead of her too, funnily enough. then when i looked outside the gate and saw my uber was outside, i turned around sharply almost stopping him in his stride, and i said my car is outside and he said 'oh your uber is here' then i hugged him bye, telling him happy birthday again, waved sweetly goodbye at his girly telling her it was nice to meet her before turning around, and thanking my lucky stars that i had gracefully navigated what could have been a painfully compromising situation.
i felt, not gutted, but like something had been taken off me. i couldn't exactly put into words how i felt. but i felt like i wanted to have my own fun too - feel loved and desired just as i had seen with them never mind iwhether or not the whole damn thing was staged on his part. so next thing i know i called Ore... I'll continue tomo
"I’ve always been guilty of getting caught up in feelings…in excitement and chemistry. Not that these things aren’t a big part of attraction, but what this passage reminds me is the goal is much deeper. It isn’t tied up in how does she make me feel…it is far more: how do I feel about myself when I am with her...."
how does he make me feel about myself when i'm with him?