2019-10-26 05:15:38 (UTC)


there are a lot of feelings to unpack. and when i say unpack, i really do mean unpack. oh jesus.
here we go.
i lied a lot. i lied about ike. and i repeatedly lied.
he asked me what i thought about his roommates, and then i took the words i said, and regurgitated them to his roommates.
but his roommates already dislike him and know everything he's had to say.
with one exception...samin. who surprisingly i had only heard good things about.
and then called him ted bundy. a sociopath. but i'm doing the same thing.
i'm placing inherent value into thoughts and actions, behaviors and character.
but i was telling ike what he wanted to hear, so he wouldn't feel estranged.
when shaq asked me to be honest and to tell him whether it felt unjustified, the way they treated him.
in the beginning i initially thought they were looking for a scapegoat. but he was manipulative.
he talked about this girl forever. and he kept gauging my ideas about the roommate.
i knew what he was trying to do so i pulled one over on him. and i do regret it, but if given the opportunity,
someone as manipulative as him shouldn't be trusted. my relationships at 1414 are unbelievably precious, and i will tell the truth...when it helps. because certain truths should be known...but they don't help anyone.

night one, i arrived at 1414. irteja, ishaaq said hi. watched a basketball game. made some horchata. talked a bit about ike.
night two was too eventful. i watched raf aggressively cuddle hanu. felt some type of way about it? (like not wanting that to stop, for example)
grabbed some kung fu (mlk) boba tea. then we watched the ritual. smoked the hookah that night by myself. got a little high. then ike talked for a bit. wanted to go to boystown that same night, but postponed to him. thankful for that "friend" who texted me it "wasn't lit," hehe.
but this third and fourth night...
well, something unexpected happened.
i asked shoaib earlier on to take photos of me i can use for my profile and just altogether use.
i haven't taken any pictures in a while. and the ones that came out were amazing.
but...he came out to me as bisexual during the shoot. and i gave him a really long and affectionate hug.
after that happened, he became way more affectionate and cuddly with me. called me cute.
but told me about this guy he's obviously super infatuated with, and i...
i think i'm starting to develop real feelings for this man. and i am upset with myself.
i know i'm idealizing our relationship. but the last day i was in chicago, i felt a real connection with him.
and i think he felt the same, because he kept thanking me for being there for him.
wasn't sure how i felt about being called a cuter version of dr. phil tho.
but maybe i'm idealizing again. and yet, i haven't stopped thinking about our day together.
but let's back up...
thursday came, and i clapped hanu real quick in smash, while in turn, hammad clapped me.
such viciousness in which the food chain works. can't touch that man.
but i got to know safia a little bit more, and i also saw osman too.
they tested their halloween decorations. and i somehow ended up eating a burrito.
fucking cobwebs.
shaq was still eternally pissed about ike and his existence. but the good news was i made some bomb ass hookah and horchata for this apartment, i taught them how to moonwalk, i helped shaq with his knee, i mediated between ike and the rest of his roommates, and i feel like i am echoing the positive vibes they bring to me. i love that feeling. i feel like i magnify the embodiment of the person i always wanted to be. and then just send that outwards.
then i took ike out. was not a good time.
we drank and i took him to roscoe's. he liked the performance and started out really well. was talking to strangers and admiring costumes.
then we got to scarlet...and he didn't dance at all. it always feels awkward doing that. and he wore his jacket the entire time.
if you come out to a place like boystown you just gotta get ready to have fun.
but he had a bit too much to drink. and apparently he threw up twice in his mouth on the uber drive back.
at 3am, this man still had the energy to complain about this girl he was complaining about long after he finished venting about his roommates. i was going deaf from his pity party.
(stfu by blackbear begins. lol.)
but...everything about friday...and getting to know shoaib on a new level that makes me question my feelings for him...
i was thinking samin was cute. i thought i had a crush on him. he's cute and smart.
but i keep getting washed out by my interactions with sho. laughing and taking pictures.
smoking and reminiscing. vibing and chilling with each other...
why do i keep doing this to myself?
ain't enough vanilla almond milk to fix this goddamn hole in my heart.
we want what we can't have, maybe. but it's different in a way - even if he did want me,
he definitely doesn't want me more than the straight friend he's infatuated with. and yet...his pictures were beautiful.
and the way he sees the world is so fucking beautiful.
i think the moment he stopped to take the picture of the sunset in that pathway just sparked something old in me.
the love for a passion to do something in the moment. to see and capture. to live in that instance whenever you would like.
and the instance i have in mind is that photo. being beside him while he took it.
i can't believe this man has been hurt the way that he is. and maybe part of me is just trying to repair it. like the nurse side.
he did call me dr. phil....but the other part of me wants to make sure he's happy. and making sure someone is happy and taken care of feels a lot like...mothering. i'm not sure i want to add to my current responsibilities right now. especially because i live in springfield and he lives in chicago.
i want to be the guy that he sees in his friend. and for some reason, i feel a tinge of jealousy.
he does always call me cute, but i think that's all i am to him right now.
and the only person i've told is kaylan. no one in chicago knows, and i'm thankful that they don't.
he cried in front of me.
that's strength. and he sees such...
beauty. but he is so sad.
i am broken and he is broken, but things felt fixed. just this friday.
i guess i can't stop thinking about it.
so the days have been getting better.
the streak has been getting longer.
the knowledge has been getting bigger.
commencing project eli - it's time to refine, refine,