Pleasantly Disturbed

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2019-10-25 21:15:08 (UTC)

Escaping Through Frivolity

I didn't mean to get my own hopes up today. It wasn't like that. It was more like, I'm so deprived of actual human interaction, that a small crush of mine - someone I may not necessarily want to be with though, would love to play Five Nights At Freddy's with! God, how innocent... and nerdy of a crush, this is! Gamer girl, here! More like wannabe - only because I don't have access to any videogames. Can't even afford clothes I need. Have to spend a shit-ton of money on Ubers next month. Can't really afford that. I may not get the group therapy I need for that reason. I'm not going to say that it probably wont help, anyways. Honestly, if it's a waste of time, fine. My "time" is meaningless, as is most everything else, but wasting money will cause me stress I don't need. I don't need any more of that. If I can avoid it, great. I'm already grieving. That's why it would be great, if all the little things went right, but God won't even be that kind to me.

Dont know if I wrote about this in here, but a little while ago, another crush of mine started talking to me. That was merely depressing, though, as I tried to tell him about my husband passing (because I really don't think he knows), but really couldn't get a word in, edgewise. Oh well... it's nice that cuties talk to me! It's a little boost of confidence and today, well... that made my whole morning!

But, the crash from the high was inevitable. Its silly and frivolous, but i hope to see and talk to him again soon!

Let me be clear: I don't want to be with anyone. It's way too soon. It's just nice that I can still get crushes because it means I'm still alive somewhere beneath all this pain.

The one exception I might make is B, if that could somehow happen, but I don't think so. I hope he's happy. If he were to come back in my life, who's to say he'd like me the way I like him. Still, if he were at work again like I often daydream about, I'd be so happy everyday. Even the pain of unrequited... Like (lol) would be welcome over this nothingness.

My one crush talking to me today... Yay. I honestly don't know if I could be with him or would want to for a few reasons, but he's nice enough and... it's just fun feeling this way!

I know people would make fun of me, if they knew and it's not that I care, but I don't need the fuss, drama and gossip. I also don't need said-crush to know I like him because even if he liked me too, I wouldn't want him to have false hope that we could date or anything.

If I talk of him more in here, I think I shall refer to him as SC, which stands for "Secret Crush." Lol.

Funny, him and B both had a crush on this lady that was at work the other day briefly, who I wrote that I was happy to see, just because she reminded me of B. Lol. I'm not jealous, especially on SC's part, maybe a little, concerning B, but what I can say for both of them is that they have good taste in women, or at least that one, in particular.

I'm just holding on to any little bit of joy I can find. I don't necessarily want to have crushes anymore, but I'm still human.

Might as well mention, as well: I like John Michael Higgins. He's a cutie! I don't even know if I've seen any if his movies, but I really like him on "25 Words Or Less." He's not on every single week, though. 😞😞😞

I'm very childish and this is how I distract myself from pain. Always has been. I've been called a perpetual-teenager before. I'm much wiser and more mature now than I've ever been in my life, despite this entry showing otherwise. Some aspects of my personality certainly have not changed. But, I'm in so much more pain than I've ever been in my whole life.

I wonder if God just loves watching me suffer.

Even in all my frivolity, I suffer. It's because of my suffering that I turn to frivolity. I always have done this. Something meaningless and fun.

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