from my heart
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2019-10-25 01:10:44 (UTC)

so many things to do

9:10 pm

today i went to the gym and honestly thats really all i did that was pretty productive

i think that one of the hardest types of loving is to love yourself. i have such a hard trouble loving myself. i truly feel like i will never really be able to love myself unless i have the face of a barbie doll or something. its not because i want somebody else to like me (or maybe it is) but i just cannot find myself attractive unless i have makeup on and nice hair.

so when i shaved my hair off i felt literally so ugly. and i felt honestly more insecure but it also felt freeing. i felt kind of good, like i was learning to love the “ugly” parts of me.

rn im working on my skin care and my body. my body isnt bad but theres a certain body type i want to achieve and i enjoy going to the gym and working out. for my skin care i just feel like thats a way to love myself. to take care of my skin and then love my bare face without make up.

i really want a close friend tbh. honestly i dont really consider anyone close at all. i cant trust jinsol, irene never answers my calls, cindy has too much friends. roman is well the dude i like and i can tell he doesnt like me like that and idk wtf goes on in his mind.

but honestly i have like a love/hate relationship w crushes. like damn, they really motivate me to start taking care of myself partially because i wanna impress them but also i really believe in the fact that i need to love myself first before anything

i think its possible to love another person even if you dont love yourself. but where the problem lies is the fact that when the person you love states that they love you, its hard to accept it or believe it. you may know it but i think thats different from believing. like when my mom says she loves me i know it all too well that she really loves me more than anything. but i have trouble believing it and accepting it if that makes sense.

thats why i really want to love myself so badly.

i really miss romans voice though tbh. i miss his laugh and calling on the phone w him for hours. but at this point i dont try too hard for him anymore because i want to focus on myself more. but he still makes me happy. idk why he does, he just does

my goal is also to always try to sleep from 10pm - 2 am. like even if i have a lot of shit to do i heard that those times are really important for sleep and so i want to sleep during those times and after 2 am i can wake up and do work.

so yeah i just showered and got ready for bed. now im gonna go to sleep and wake up soon (: going to do some school work when i wake up