miss mess

midlife implosions
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2019-10-22 12:04:10 (UTC)

on his birthday


i know that it's his birthday today, but still...because of his birth, i have received a gift that will be with me for the rest of my life. its heart breaking that he doesn't know how beautiful he is. but it wouldn't change anything. depression doesn't work like that. depression is a dark beast that slides over you like thick oil, until you can't see thru it. all you see is the heavy darkness. it robs you of your present moments. it robs of you of your ability to connect. to love. to be loved. it robs of you of your ability to FEEL. and it cannot be controlled like alot of people like to think. you can have the most beautiful, successful life, and still...the darkness will come if you are prone to it. for some of us...it's a part of who we are, and we are lucky if we can be free of it for even periods of time, like cam has been able to. and then, according to him, sometimes experiencing the joy when you've escaped the darkness for a while, makes the darkness harder to bear. because you know it's there...but you can't get to it.

i wonder if i'd known any of this about him, when i first saw him, sitting alone in that booth...would i have still taken this journey with him? or would have steered clear? it really doesn't matter. i didn't know it. i took the journey, and no matter how much i've been hurt and how much i'm hurting now, i'll never be sorry, because NOT knowing him, would have been worse. it's hard to breathe when i just IMAGINE never having known him, and all the emptiness i would still feel without knowing how empty i really was. i never knew until he showed me. maybe, because he only gets these brief escapes from his darkness, it explains why he is SO MUCH while he's in the light. maybe it explains his hunger and his desire to please and LIVE. maybe knowing the darkness is gonna come again, pushes him to gather everything he can before it comes; much like a squirrel gathering what it must before the winter, in order to survive. in the light, his love is strong, and furious, and beautiful....and then it all disappears in the darkness. i accused him once of being too literal....of only seeing things in terms of black and white. he laughed first...because we are black and white. well...he's black and i'm white. but i think if you live in cams world, and you have to capture your happiness in spurts with no control over how much you are going to be able to have, before the walls come down around you, maybe it IS only black and white. feast or famine. all or nothing, for him.

i just know that being on the receiving end of what he gives when he's feasting or taking his all....has been an experience i wouldn't give up for anything in this world. to be loved the WAY that he loves, is unlike anything else. to be valued enough in his eyes, that he places his heart in your hands...makes you feel like the most important person in the world. to know that it's ME he chose to love, has always amazed me. to see him vulnerable is the most beautiful thing you can imagine. to most people there is nothing soft or even welcoming in cam. he is stand off-ish and private. very weary of most people in general, and unwilling to let people "in". but, in his vulnerability, he is soft, and everything he feels is in his eyes and words are not needed. those eyes, that i remember the first time i saw him, as guarded and watchful, become literal windows to his soul, as they say. i just wonder how many people actually know what that means.

i know without me, he is going to close up completely, and become that guarded, distant person once again. this has nothing to do with thinking i'm so important to him, that i'm tooting my own horn somehow. it just has everything to do with knowing him. it kills me to know that, and it makes me question, "how can i take the only things that feel good and happy to him....away?" how can i take the acceptance of him, that he so badly needed, and just curl inward to protect myself from the pain i experience during all this? i convince myself that he needs me because it's only me who has accepted him the way he says matters to him. it's only me who's taken the time to crawl inside him and get to know him the way that i have. it's ME that he's chosen to love. what if it's true that he really does need me? and it's not just something i've come to believe?

i am still so unsure if i'm making the right decision. when i take emotion out of it all, and look at the reality of things, it makes more sense. the part about him wanting children someday...that won't happen if i stay. is it right of me to let him give up something that means so much to him, just so that i get to be the one who has won his love? should he even HAVE children, with his mental health issues? i am surely not someone who gets to decide that for him. but i can't stand in the way of the decision either. and still...what about what "he" wants of me? shouldn't that matter?

i don't think i'm ever going to be sure...because there are just too many things to consider. but as i sit this morning, writing this entry thru tears, i am sure of this...

he is a beautiful man...tortured or not. he is absolutely beautiful. and if you are lucky enough to be loved by him, you find that what's inside of him is pure gold and worth even more than that. and my journey with him has changed everything that i am, and made me into a more honest person, which is ironic to say of an affair. but i have found more truth in all of our secrets and lies, than i've ever known in my life. right or wrong. if it turns out that i walk forward without him...i will be doing it authentically and reaching for the things that matter to me, because he has made sure that i understand i am worth those things. his beautiful life, has given me so much, and i'm so grateful for him.

and my heart celebrates him, for everything that he is.

i love you cam, and i'm going to burn a candle all day long, in honor of your beautiful self and the gift that you are, to anyone who cares enough to unwrap you and discover you.