Fleeting Moments of Existence
It's late, why am I writing now ?
Well, first things first, I've been reading a lot about diaries and it becomes really complicated to write one as you're trying to understand the form of the diary as a literary product, the reasons why people write them (or abandon them). They say, being a literature student is the worst field of studies if you want to become a writer, well, it is as well when you want to be a diarist. You're always thinking about the meaning behind every word and every spur of writing. However, reading about it makes me write and I want to go back to writing in a paper version of this. I'm not sure how to work out both, a public diary is an odd thing to have and I feel as though I can't write about all of my days, I want to keep the anonymity, but don't I want to write about them ? Of course. So who knows, can I possibly divide it ? Why not write everything in the manuscript ? What about the supposed honesty and spontaneity of a diary ? Maybe I do want the occasional feedback on things that preoccupy me the most, maybe that's why I post here.
I've been told I'm good as psychoanalysing myself, and I believe it to be true. The problem is, when you are able to see yourself from a distance, it makes it that much more frustrating when you're being irrational, reckless or just... going into a wall speeding up. Right now, my life hasn't given me much opportunity to take dumb decisions, that's probably for the best. I've been so busy with work that I haven't had that much free time, I don't go out anymore, heck, I wouldn't really enjoy it anyway. Going out without SO isn't the same, but during this summer, I noticed that even with him, there's just a moment when I get fed up with people, whether I like them or not, I like being at home under my covers or comfy in front of a TV series. Have I become boring or is it just my nature ? Some people have mistaken me for this popular party animal for a while, but I don't think that's who I am deep down. So, during the day, I don't think about my issues too much, but at night, oh at night... how terrible this has become. See, I went to bed at 10pm, read for an hour, maybe I should've kept reading, tried to sleep for about an hour, then watched a bunch of youtube videos, then... I got hungry so I got up again, ate snacks in front of a TV Show and then... then hyperactive student me read about diaries until I wanted to write in mine again. Here, the circle is closed, hopefully, I can get some sleep before my long day tomorrow.