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Scream Above the Sounds
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2019-10-21 16:37:30 (UTC)

I Should Be Happy

I've just got home from college and I feel so miserable. Exhaustion has set in and I haven't even started my job yet, I don't know how I'll deal with this. I need to just get a grip and accept that it's going to be my life for the foreseeable future. It's a really good thing that I've got this job, and I am somewhat excited for it. I guess I'm just a bit scared with time management and things like that. I shouldn't stress myself until I'm actually working regularly. I don't even know my hours yet and I'm just stupidly jumping to conclusions and freaking myself out. I have my induction tomorrow at 10am, so I have to skip college. We'll see what my schedule is like; I have to do at least 15 hours minimum, so we'll see what they give me.


College is scaring me a little. It's becoming increasingly more overwhelming and knowing there is a maths test around the corner is sending my anxiety into overdrive. I just hate it. I'm shit at it and I'll never improve. I have a geography assignment that I need to finish before Thursday and a Psychology essay that needs to be in by Friday, then we have a week off for half term. The week off will be welcome because it will allow me to just focus on working the shifts and bedding in to that new environment. I feel tired just thinking about it. I'll definitely be happier knowing I've got money coming in, I'm just scared of everything else I guess. Part of me thinks I won't even pass this course. I'm probably just being dramatic but I genuinely feel so shit at it. I don't feel remotely smart in comparison to the rest of the people on the course. My mum is telling me how proud she is for sorting myself out, in education, employed, and it's true. I should be happy, but I just can't shake this little feeling that I'll never get anything right (That's a Brand New lyric, but it feels relevant). I've just got zero confidence right now.


It's not even 5pm and I'm ready to call it a night. It's not even been a bad day; I really enjoyed History and Psychology today. I'm just feeling really stressed and need to relax. Maybe sleep is the best thing for me. I've felt miserable for a while, but I suppose I always put on a front. I'm an expert when it comes to masks. I guess that's what years of studying drama does for you. I'm feeling incredibly lonely at the minute too. I was thinking of going to see Joker in the cinema but I'd probably end up going alone, and that's just sad. Despite the buzz and life certainly moving in a more positive direction, I still feel so sad and hopeless.


Edd


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