Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-10-21 03:54:03 (UTC)

I was thinking of taking a ..

I was thinking of taking a night off writing but I'm feeling like consistency is more important than listening to my desires. Like, work, is draining me lately, which, is because I've let it be that way, because I have this wall about me where I don't talk to nobody.
And I hate it. and I want to apologize and shrink away and not be me. I don't know why I get like this.


I feel sad. I just feel nothing, really, If someone else talked to me it might bring me to life but.
That's why I didn't want to write.

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I've been thinking, if I'm going to work so much, I've got to have a bit of a personality come out eventually, and it's okay, if I'm scared.
I just
don't know what to let myself think.
I'm in control of this ship now. Can I not see?

I just

I want to write about how sad I feel for me, when my family visited me today at work, with Kyle & Kameron, I just, felt like every other table I had around them was so much more friendly. And I felt sorry for myself when I tried to talk to my dad and he ignored me just like he does every waitress. I just don't understand and I felt hurt.

But they did visit, my mom hugged me, she said she loves me. and did I say it back?

The question is always what I am doing, not what they are not doing, and I forget that purposely when I don't want to look at what I could do. Or who I could be. or what about me needs attention I haven't been giving.

I'm a mess for my own happiness, and I feel humbled around others when their happiness is affected by mine. it hurts me to realize I could be bringing others down by not attending to me. And that's why I feel so compelled to say sorry for my presence.

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I've been lonely this past week with that roommate argument. And also, just, loneliness is a feeling where I feel alienated from myself, and it's been hard to get back to that place where I feel in tune with me.

last night I started to see that with that party we had, although it wasn't my speed exactly, I saw to it that I remembered I am not an island of emotion in a sea of nothing, but I started to feel apart of other peoples' worlds again, if only in a small reminder of a way, and I sort of brought that feeling to work, at least, at the start of the shift. I lost it, but remembered what it was I'd lost, and felt sort of sturdily there, I just felt sad though, for being a burden of feelings in a sensitive emotional atmosphere.

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Anyways, this inventory of feelings has been productive, and I'm exhausted, so I'd like to sleep.




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