Jen just jen

full :: transparency
2019-10-19 02:18:14 (UTC)

I'm miserable

really, I feel bewildered with where to start. We are having a roommate meeting, and Hannah scares me.
She talks with such conviction it makes me question myself. And I don't like that. Heck, they all do really.
I'm too tentative for this.
I'm not

What's really upsetting me is this is a challenge to me like, they're expecting me to change in some way I can't deliver.
I'm not a bad roommate

I feel like I'm already apologizing for something I'm not sorry for. Like, I keep going through the text messages developing my side of things, and I just get distracted by how irrational their side of things seems. Like, emotions are so tricky, I don't know if I can prepare for this.

I just feel like the more I go through this the more I don't like myself, and I want to apologize just to keep the peace, but also, I really am starting to not like them just on principle. My old roommate, Zar, was freaking amazing, and I miss that.
am I so bad to live with?

I wish I had somebody.
I feel disgusting.
I could talk to my mom but I don't really trust her viewpoint. I could talk to my brother but he's going to sympathize with the part of me that hates myself, which does no good. I couldn't talk to Maya because she's mad at me for being condescending about telling her that she couldn't handle the responsibility of the guinea pigs. And I only said that because she sent a message saying I should help out at a moment when she knew I'd had a busy weekend.

consideration. ugh. they really seem to not be getting that ..
am I expecting too much too soon?
Have I not put the work in to be trustable, or someone worth investing time in really?

what I'm really mad about goes back to when I slept with Andrew and he barfed on my bed. And I had to bag up the sheets, and I didn't get around to washing them until the next day (exaustion, work)? Hannah made a comment in defense of Maya about how she could smell my sheets so I shouldn't complain about a mess. I was defending myself by using their argument tactics. And for her to come at me in a moment that was sensitive for me, could she not even fathom? Does she not care?
I guess I shouldn't expect others to care for my personal business, or equating lack of maintaining their standards to my own personal fallacy may be unfair, but if she wants to have a friendly relationship, why does she come for me like that?

And I really don't understand why she was defending Maya, what did she see in maya's argument?
Was it because she thought Maya deserved an apology and I wasn't giving one?

I can see how I sound unreasonable, but, like, play-by-play, I was executing everything I said with a level head, and when I read it back, I don't feel angry with what I said. I don't feel angry at them really either, it's only this past week with them being passive aggressive and nit-picky about little things.
my thing is, was, like, why do they not like me?


///

there's more going on with me than them though. Or at least I'd like to feel there was. My life feels kind of desolate aside from that, I mean, except the regular struggles of starting a new job and the hazy plans I've yet to make on my future career-building. Friends, well, I sort of have one, Alyssa, although apparently I'd agreed to go with her to the theme park today but I'd totally forgot. I don't even remember agreeing to go on a Friday, but, so much has been going on with me I could've.

I hate this feeling like I'm so close but so far from these people in my life. I don't know how to let them in so often so close to me, or what is keeping me from that exactly.
there's just this reflex I have about emotional closeness, it's sort of killing me.
I just

there's the bigger stress overarching this madness.
I
don't know how to fix. bewilderment is not okay though
it's sort of defense against trying to change.
and that should not be okay
but how do you procure the attitude necessary

I need space that's what I need
and understanding
and some sort of time to nourish my soul that I don't have
stress
is my middle name


god bless me tomorrow, please pray




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