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dreams don't always die, but they CAN change
he apologized for his pressure on me, saying that he just missed me, and wanted to be "us" again. i told him i wanted the same, but the bravado to make the jump just wasn't there and that i needed some time to build up some strength, cause for me, beginning again, was the same as preparing for another ending.
we continued to have regular online live chats, and he continued to express a need for me in his life in a way that he never had before. i know i won't be able to explain this, but as much as it was music to my ears, it also really scared me. why would his wanting and needing me scare me, when i'd so often wished for those very things from him?? he'd always been perfectly satisfied with whatever i had to offer, whenever i had to offer it. it seemed that it worked for him. but since he'd come back this time...he was different somehow.
the problem is that i was different this time too. wanting to die when he'd left, and then clawing my way back thru therapy and desperation, had built walls up around me. self protecting walls. on one hand, i was mad that the walls were keeping me from HIM...my love, my babe. but on the other hand, the walls had his name all over them, based on how he'd hurt me in the past, so it made sense. whatever way it went, the fact was that i couldn't seem to knock the walls down myself, no matter how much i wanted to. i was different. i loved him desperately, painfully so. i treasured every moment i'd had with him and knew i'd keep those memories tucked away in my heart until my dying breath. i was so grateful that he'd opened up to love me in ways that he hadn't been able to with anyone else...it made me feel lucky and special to have earned his heart. but...the hurts had somehow all gathered to stand in front of me and make me more aware of what i would be opening myself up to again, if i jumped into this second round, the way he wanted me to. so i continued to struggle, with wanting nothing more than to be with him and lose myself entirely again, against all the hurts i'd already felt and knew i would feel again, because those hurts would come with loving him, knowing how difficult he was. if you choose to love cam...you choose to love all of him, and that means the hard sides too. loving cam means loving him for exactly who and how he is, without wanting to change him in order to please yourself. and knowing and believing and feeling all that, deep in my heart....the question was could i keep going? could i accept the way loving him often times hurt me? could i accept jumping off this high dive to experience what we both wanted to experience, knowing that in the end, i'd be left in those deep waters alone, drowning again, when he went dark again....or moved on with his life? and the biggest question of all....could i give him up? could i pass up this chance to have more of him?
while in the process of trying to make this decision, which was torment enough, he threw me for a loop i NEVER expected. ever. ever.
in a late nite messenger conversation, he told me that he'd been thinking alot, and that he'd decided he only wanted "ME" instead of staying open to someone coming into his life for marriage and children. i was flabbergasted.....and that word doesn't even describe the shock. i argued back, that for years i'd known his dreams...i knew what they were. dreams don't suddenly just die...especially ones like this. he said his dreams didn't die, they changed. he said what we had together was too important to him to give up, and that he didn't want to. the time apart, he claimed, had made him realize alot of things. he said he couldn't imagine a life without me now. he said, in his words, "i'm choosing YOU".
this COULD have changed our entire dynamic. (but i couldn't stay selfish for long...even tho i became very selfish for a while longer).
in the space of the few minutes this conversation had been, and what had been expressed by him, my emotions were literally EVERYWHERE. first...i can't lie about the joy i felt. how could i not have felt joy over the man i've loved more than anyone in my life, expressing to me that he wanted me more than anything else in his life? how could that NOT have gone straight to my heart and filled me with incredible joy? there had been times i'd wished for it, but knew it wouldn't happen, and in rational moments, knew that wishing for it was the same as wanting to take his dreams away.
but right behind the joy was the knowledge that i couldn't let him choose me over the chance to have children. i have children. i know the blessing that it is, and i knew i couldn't be the reason he never got to experience that. i know that when you desire children, that desire does NOT just go away. it doesn't. i don't care what anyone says. so this meant that his love for me had just gotten in the way of his true desires. he'd come to love me so much that he couldnt' let me go, in order to chase that dream. it was always supposed to him moving on to his dream. him leaving me for something that made it worth it. but now, i could see it would mean ME LEAVING HIM. a beautifully tragic twist. and my reaction?
more walls going up. i KNEW during that conversation, that i had to end things. i KNEW it. it broke everything inside me, but there was no other way. if i stayed, he'd not have his dreams, and that would only lead to some sort of resentment on his side at some point, and a ton of guilt on mine. i could not be selfish enough to take what he was offering of himself to me, just because i loved him and wanted it all so much.
but i didn't tell him all my thoughts. how could i hurt him at the same time he was "GIVING" so much of himself? what i ended up telling him in that conversation is that i wasn't comfortable being the reason he gave up his dreams. and he insisted on conveying that DREAMS CAN CHANGE. all i wanted to do protect and nurture all the love in his precious heart that he was placing in my hands at that moment. and that's the thing....if YOU KNOW cam...you know what a gift he is presenting to you! you KNOW how he doesn't take a single feeling that comes from his heart lightly. he mulls it over and over before he gives it away to someone. and to me....he was giving EVERYTHING. and all i could think was, "how am i gonna handle this without hurting him?" (and without hurting me). but i knew there was no way to escape another round of pain. there was definitley GOING to be more pain.
the combined joy and feelings of guardedness were overwhelming. the selfish parts of me were trying to figure out how to have more time with him and then let him go so he can have what i know he really wants, even if his feelings for me have cloulded it what that is. and in the midst of my confusion and complete eratic mixed emotions, with not a single answer in sight...i made a split moment decision.....to give us both what we so badly wanted...(even if only for a while longer)...
so i JUMPED....