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2019-10-17 13:36:43 (UTC)

10-06-19: Whoopie Cushion

Ok, don't mind us girls, we are just prettying up the room because we're showing the house later today.
The listing said "finished basement" and….
finished ! Well we're not gonna be selling anything if we don't get rid of all this clutter, so uh get the hell out.
I can't leave yet.
I told Fez I'd meet him here.
He went to the airport to pick up his best friend from back home.
Oh great.
Another mocca-skinned weirdo in tight pants who can make any word sounds like boogadaboogadaboogada.
You know he is coming to cheer Fez up.
The poor guy hasn't been himself since you rejected him.
You know it's weird, I actually miss his chocolaty stained finger prints on my bras.
Yeah well you know what ? I don't wanna see Fez.
I mean, he called me ugly on the inside and the outside.
I'm sorry but he's just wrong about the outside part.
- Holy crap man.
- What ? Listen to this letter from my Dad "Dear valued Grooves-employee, your services are no longer required.
I've sold the chain of stores to a dry-cleaning corporation for frankly a buttload of money.
You should see the cheque, whoo-y.
I thank you for your years of dedicated service.
As of Friday, you're tresspassing.
" Can you believe this man, I'm out of a job ! Well how do you think Leo feels ? Well, probably how he always feels.
Everyone, I'd like you to meet my best friend from back home : Andrew Davis.
How do you do ? It's so wonderful to be state-side.
So you're Fez' friend ? From… wherever he's from ? Yes.
And I know exactly who you are.
You're a frigid, unpleasant woman who enjoys stomping on a man's heart for sport.
You disgust me Jackie.
I'm not Jackie.
I'm Donna.
Well you are gorgeous.
Sooo… you guys are from the same place ? Of course not.
He's from the westside of the island.
That '70s Show - 8x21 - Love of my life You know, enough of this jibberjabber.
I brought you folks a gift from back home….
Pretty good gift eh ? Take it easy though, a little goes a long way.
You know what else goes a long way, man ? A lot ! You know what else goes a long way ? Spiders.
That little guy made it all the way from the lightbulb to the pipe.
Way to go Mr.
Spider ! Don't even think about it Andrew.
Spiders here have very little meat.
Regardless, it's still so exciting to be in America.
It's true what they say.
The streets are paved ! I'm starting to feel weird guys.
My hair is tingly My palms are sweating and my pulse is racing.
Ow men I think I overdid it ! Stop jibberjabbering old boy.
I told you the stuff was pretty strong.
Just take a deep breath and relax.
I'm sure you'll be okay after a few minutes.
Until then, just continue to sweat and grind your teeth.
Or you can do what you usually do when you've had too much.
Switch to beer.
Wow Hyde, are you okay ?! Of course I'm okay.
It's you that's not okay.
But you're me… so if you're not okay it means I'm not okay which means I'm going out of my freakin' mind here ! You're gonna be fine.
Do you guys think I should change my hair ? Okay, well, the house is all set Mr.
and Mrs.
Dubois should be here any minute.
Dubois ? Kitty, I don't want Germans moving in here ! I think they're French.
Yes, and if they buy the house, they'll give it up to the first German who knocks at the door.
Okay well I have to get to work.
Are you sure you can show this house by yourself ? Kitty, I showed a Japanese soldier the inside of his own stomach I think I can show a house.
So, through there's the den, back there is the kitchen and upstairs are the bedrooms.
Could we see them ? Oh, so my word's not good enough ? Well is there a bathroom upstairs ? No, we just whiz off the roof.
In here you got the stove and the fridge, both still under warranty.
Is this the kitchen ? No It's a petting zoo.
There's the goat Pony-ride.
Ah, there's the dumbass ! In here I built a whole workbench against this wall so there is plenty of space for all your tools.
Actually I was thinking I could turn it into a yoga-studio.
Really And I was thinking I could turn your-ass-into-my-foot-studio.
Randy ! What are you doing here ? Your Dad invited me over.
I figured if you two talked, maybe you'd get back together.
I mean, it didn't work for your Mom and me but that was mostly because of sleeping with strangers.
Oh, so all of a sudden aunt Jenny is a stranger ?! Donna I'm sure you don't even want to see me right now, but I never had a chance to tell you how I feel.
Straight from the heart, my own words.
So I made you this mixed tape.
"Grandma's last words"… Oh I taped over that.
You really couldn't hear over the respirator anyway.
Oh Red.
How did it go showing the house ? Why don't you ask all the dumbasses that came through here ?! So poorly then… Maybe I should show the house.
I heard that you're supposed to make a home feel warm and friendly and inviting.
So you should probably leave.
Yeah I just don't have the patience for these people.
I hate to admit it, but I wish they were all dead.
I'm telling you Leo, yesterday in the basement I had the worst trip I've ever had.
Hey, I don't care how bad your trip was, man you better have brought me back a snow-globe or something.
It was a total freak-out man.
I had this hallucination that eveyone else turned into me.
It was me, and a whole bunch of me's ! Was I there ? No.
That's it Leo.
You know what ? I'm quitting the circle man.
And I feel really good about it.
In fact, this calls for a celebration ! I have no idea what to do How can I turn down Jackie Burkhart ? I don't even hang up my wrong numbers ?! Look, since there's no chance of anything with her why are you even sticking around here anymore ? Well, where else would I go ? Home old boy ! Come home.
Home ? Yeah, that's a good idea ! I'll go back to Brazil and then I'll catch a flight home from there.
Oh, coming ! Oh hello there.
I'm Kitty Forman, I'm so excited to show you my home.
Okay now, this is the living room where I have spend many happy hours… Not "happy hours" like, at a bar.
Although I would be lying if I said I didn't try to start that up around here.
No, but I have spend many wonderful times with the kids in here.
Before they moved so very far away.
Oh sad ! Okay follow me.
And this is my kitchen.
And this is the table where Eric would do his homework and Laurie would do her nails.
You know some people used to call her a tramp but that's not fair there's nothing wrong with being friendly.
You know, I guess the four of us will never sit here together again… Okay, let's move on.
Now this is the dining room where we'd have all our special dinners.
And Red's mother used to always tell me my pot-roast is too dry but what does she know she's in hell now You know I uh I always thought that I would serve dinner to my grandchildren in here.
Oh my gosh, I'm just choking up.
Okay, uhm and here, okay this is the den.
Uhm And these are the marks on the wall where we measured the kids height when they were growing up… But you'll probably you'll just….
paint over this You unfeeling bastards ! Yeah ! You will get this house when you pry it from my cold, dead fingers… Oh in fact, let me show you one more thing, the door ! Hey Steven, what are you doing ? I'm painting this model I just finished.
I have a lot more free time now that I have quit the circle.
W… you quit the circle ?! What are you…high ?! I don't do that anymore Jackie.
I don't need to.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going for a jog Oh, and if you see Mrs.
Forman can you let her know that I'll be making the salad tonight ? Oh.
It's you I'm here to get some things belonging to the man whose heart you broke.
Cause he's packing and leaving.
Now who is this Kitty and where is her underwear ? Wait, wait, wait, Fez is leaving ? Why ? Oh because of you.
He is in bad shape Jackie.
W he hurt me first ! Do you know what he told me ? He said that if he could go back in time and take back five words, those words would be : Now you're ugly on the outside, just like you are on the inside.
That's more then five words.
All his words run together, he doesn't know.
So I said to him why would you want to take those words back ? And he said to me so he wouldn't have to go through life knowing he'd hurt the woman he loved.
And you broke his heart.
You disgust me ! I.
I…I frankly don't understand why any man would ever want to be with you.
want to make out ? So what do you think ? Look I just…I think we both need to move on with our lives.
I'm sorry.
Oh well.
I gave it a shot.
But you're making a big mistake, because I am the best thing that is ever gonna happen to you Really ? Still nothing ? Huh.
So, friends then ? Alright.
Hey guys What's going on ? Steven.
We need to talk man.
We're here because we are your friends and we love you.
But ever since you quit the circle, you've changed.
I mean, what's this I hear about you eating a vegetable ?! Look at you.
Your eyes are clear, your shirt is clean.
I hardly recognize you.
You have a problem with drugs man.
I don't have a problem ! I can start any time I want ! Oh yeah ? Then why don't you start right now ? Or don't you have the guts ? You guys don't understand.
The last time I was in the circle, I totally freaked out ! I know why you freaked out man.
All your friends are leaving and the recordstore is closing.
Your life is changing man.
See it's not the circle that's the problem.
It's that your life is crap.
Oh my God.
I've been using sobriety as a crutch.
I need help ! We're here for you.
Hold out your hands man I love you guys ! Red, I have bad news.
The people I showed the house to, they just weren't interested.
I have no idea why.
It doesn't matter.
The clown who does yoga made an offer.
So I said, it's a deal, you downward-facing dumbass.
Isn't it great ?! A month from now, we'll be in Florida.
Yeah… Far away from all our family and friends.
Ah Jeez Kitty put it like that we should leave tonight ! Hey there son ! WB… Ah I guess you heard the news, huh.
Well I got some more great news for ya.
I bought a Corvette ! Good for you man.
You know you didn't have to come all the way down here to tell me that.
You could have just sent it in a form letter.
"Dear employee, bought a Corvette.
Whoo-yyyy !".
Listen Steven, that letter was just for the faceless employees that I don't even care about.
Hey thanks for the letter man.
Look, I wanted to come here personally to tell you the big news.
I'm giving you this store.
Yes, you're the proud owner of the last remaining Grooves.
Holy crap, I own this place ? Yep.
You can even rename it something more appropriate to this lilly-white community.
You can call it Rhythm-less.
Or Snap-At-The-Wrong-Time.
Wow man.
It's… it's like the nicest thing anyone of my Dad's has ever done for me.
You know, this goes to show you if you sit on your ass long enough, good stuff will happen.
That is some good stuff.
I've missed you Hyde.
Just like they always say, hey Leo, how's it going ? Son, if this is how you gonna run this store now that it's yours I gotta tell ya I'm gonna be stopping by a lot more often ! Oh Fez, I'm so glad you're still here.
I wanted to take one last look at the basement before I leave.
Look Fez, Andrew told me what you said.
And now that I know, I can't let you leave.
I'm sorry Jackie.
It's too late.
I'm leaving.
There's nothing anybody can say to get me to stay.
I wanna be your girlfriend.
- I'll stay.
- You will ?! Yes.
But I don't wanna be just some rebound for you.
And I need to know that you're not gonna leave me when something better comes along.
Fez there is no-one better for me then you ! I'm just sorry that it took me so long to figure that out.
You really mean that ? Of course ! Fez, I wanna be with you And I'm so happy that we can finally be together.
I've been waiting so long to hear those three words Man, I can't believe I'm not gonna be around to see you two together.
It's gonna be one of two ways.
It could be a disaster or a catastrofy.
Blablabla, you always say you're leaving, but you never do.
I am serious, I'm finally gonna get out of this town and do something with my life.
Eric called, he's coming home, he's coming home ! Yeah, you're not going anywhere.
So you grew up with Fez, huh ? You know, we've been wondering something for a long time Where the hell are you guys from ? Uhm, isn't it obvious ? Okay, just tell us what's the name of your country ? Well, that depends on wether you ask the British or the Dutch.
Okay, so what if we ask the British ? Oh no no no.
They wouldn't tell you.
They hate us.
Soooo What if we ask the Dutch ? Oh, who can understand a word they say ?!
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