miss mess

midlife implosions
2019-10-15 14:48:29 (UTC)

afraid to jump


he wanted things from me, in a way that he'd never pushed for before. cam had always been the one to never push or ask for me. he respected me and my limitations completely and was happy to have what he could of me. he often said that what we couldn't have in quantity, we more than made up for in quality, and in some ways that made things more special. but now he was asking me to do things as a way of "showing" that i meant what i said i felt? small things, albeit...but still unlike him.

he wanted me to add him back to facebook. i'd taken him off because i couldn't bear to see his name anywhere on my page or in my messenger list while i was getting stronger in therapy. and in the weeks we'd been talking again, i still hadn't added him back. he felt that i was not being "open" to him and a chance of us if i couldn't connect us again in that small way. he wanted us each to be able to see each others daily lives, even if we could never comment on the page. he wanted "IN" to my life and he was inviting me "IN" to his again. and i was hesitant. i couldn't let go of the feeling that i'd open myself back up again, only to be hurt again. it really had me frozen.

then he got upset at me, because he felt it was such a small gesture and that i couldn't do it, so how could we move on to bigger gestures like being face to face again? that's another thing. cam never got upset at me. ever. we never fought. and his upset at me, felt like pressure. i began to question the why's of his sudden "wanting me" differently than he had before. i asked him how could he get upset at me when we'd always agreed that we were in positions of not having the right to ask anything of each other. we'd always understood that and accepted it and been beyond happy to get what we could. this facebook thing was such a small thing, and i knew that. why couldn't i just give it to him?

and that's when i realized that i was holding onto every bit of myself and trying not to let it go to him, because of how scared i was to lose myself again. so, i tried to explain this him. he said he understood it, but he also interpreted it as i didn't trust him. it was more about trusting myself tho. i didn't trust my own judgement, because i knew how weak i was where he was concerned. i knew how "letting go" had hurt me so much already. i was BARELY coming out of the pain and healing. i had just gotten to a place of accepting that it was over for good. and then, BAM...here he is again in my life. and now all the work i'd done was just supposed to come undone?

the thing is....i WANTED to just let go. i WANTED to give in and take the chance to experience any and all moments i could with him. i wanted this second round to gather more memories. but i was truly frozen. and he was becoming increasingly frustrated with me, in ways he never had before. then again, i'd never denied HIM anything before. ever. i'd jumped thru hoops and risked EVERYTHING to be with him whenever he asked. and now...after losing him and beginning to heal, i had a fear that i'd never had before. and i couldn't get the fear to "relax". but, i did add him back to my facebook page, because i saw it as such a small thing to fight over.

he thanked me for that. said it meant alot to him, and that he wanted me to know he was going to work very hard to get me to trust him so that opening up wouldn't be so hard. that meant alot to ME....but how do i explain this? it's like during this whole second round, since he'd returned in april, i just couldn't get fully behind anything. nothing about how i felt about him had changed. in fact...the way i love him will never cease or fade in any way at all. but...i guess i just really "didn't" trust him after all. in our years together, there'd been so many of his dark place silences, where i'd always be left feeling alone and waiting for him to come back. i didn't feel i could handle those anymore. i understood what he needed, because i understand depression (all too well). but there are two sides to this...and each time he did what he needed to do, it left me feeling HURT. i was now at a place where i felt i couldn't afford to feel hurt, because i couldn't afford any kind of slide back down into my own hell. so, when he said he'd work to earn my trust, i guess i just didn't believe that he was capable of it. i know that he MEANT it with everything in him. but i also knew how his moods and depressions could take his words away as if they'd never been said at all. i had too much knowing and understanding of him, to trust that he'd stay with me. and what i needed to know...is that he would stay with me. but no matter how much i needed that, i knew he wouldn't be capable of it. just one big circle of needs.

it hurt him so much that i couldn't let go. another thing i'd given into was, weekly scheduled messenger chats. i agreed to those because i couldn't agree to the face to face meetings that he wanted. i told him i wasn't strong enough to be in his presence. i knew if i was, then i'd just fall all over myself and him and "I" would be gone again. i could only remain in some sort of control when it came to protecting myself, if i wasn't in his presence. so...for weeks, we chatted and we journaled and we went back and forth with how i couldn't let go, even tho i admitted that i wanted to. his frustration increased. he pointed out how "front and center" he'd been since his return. how he was trying to put action behind his words to earn my trust, and how he wasn't getting anywhere. and my answers were not helpful, because it was always the same..."i want to just jump off the high dive, without worrying about drowning....but something won't let me leap".

one particular conversation led to an argument, instead of our normally emotional conversations. and he was on the cruel side, stating that he felt he'd waited long enough. it had been six weeks by then...and i still wouldn't agree to just "see" him, and that i didn't even show any signs of being able to in the near future. he gave me an ultimatum. meet him, or we'd just remain pen pals, and try to maintain a friendship still.

i was pissed at him for that. i felt desperate for him to understand my fear, because i believed if he understood it, he'd not push so hard. he'd be more patient. but the more i tried to explain, the more he saw it as i'd already made a decision, NOT to jump, to spare myself pain up the road. he saw it as i didn't think more time with him would be worth the pain i'd end up feeling again. he saw only black or white....and i couldn't get him to see any of the middle grays.

and so that conversation ended with him signing off after issuing his ultimatum. and i was left with having to make a decision.


today is a dark day. i think the finality is setting in.